Humiliation Chronicals #273

When I was 18, I attended a small community college to get all of my crappy pre-requites out of the way before I was going to go on to a major big university to become a super-famous marine biologist or veterinarian. (didn't do either... shocking, I know)

My biology class when I decided to grace them with my presence
was at night.
Biology was one of the few classes I actually liked to go to.
I always loved biology. And it didn't hurt that there was also a super-dreamy guy in that class named Teddy that I had a major crush on.

Anyway... Class would let out around 9:30pm and I would find myself walking to my beat up old bright green Ford Tempo way out in the back of an almost deserted parking lot.
Years of working late night shifts being a bartender or waitress taught me to always carry pepper spray on my key-chain.
You never knew what some stupid drunk would try to do when a cute waitress was alone late at night.

One night, I left Biology class as usual and started to make my way across the lonely dark parking lot.
I heard someone come around the side of the building.
My pace quickened...
So did the strangers footsteps.
My heart began to beat faster.
My car was the only car out in that part of the lot, and those footsteps were still following me.
I was almost in a dead run by the time I got to my car and pulled out my keys.
The stranger was getting closer and in a panic, I couldn't manage to get my car door unlocked!

I was starting to seriously freak out!
My life started to flash before my eyes...
I began to wonder if I had on clean underwear (thanks Grandma for that one!)
Darn! my sister was gonna go through all my stuff if I died!
My mom would find that old pack of cigarettes that I had hidden in my sock drawer!
Who would feed my fish?
Who would return my library books?
I wasn't ready to die!!

The footsteps were right on me now...
I did the only thing I knew to do.
I flipped the top up on my pepper spray,
Whirled around...
Squeezed my eyes closed and Sprayed with all my might!

The next thing I heard was Super-Dreamy-Teddy howl in pain as he dropped to his knees.
"Cough" "gag" "sob"... "I was just gonna ask you out Dana! Your Crazy!!
I tried to help... he just told me to get the hell away from him.
I told him I was sorry...
"Yeah.. so am I... psycho!" he yelled as he ran away.

I never did get that date.
oops

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Humiliation Chronicles (Mow & Show)

It's hot in Texas.
It's very VERY HOT in Texas!
So.. when the lawn needs mowing, I do it wearing less than normal clothes. I mow the yard... It's MY convertible (riding lawn mower) the men folk can do the rest of the yard work.. the mowing is MINE!

Anyway.... I was mowing the yard wearing one of those super-trendy terry cloth pull over tube-top like dresses.

Yes, I know that it didn't look nearly as cute or trendy on My body as it does on all the sickeningly thin super models.
But thats what I wear to mow.. deal with it.
It lets me get some sun without tan lines running down my shoulders...
It's short enough to get some color on these white legs of mine.
And we don't have neighbors close enough to really get a good look anyway.

And hey... if someone works hard enough to tromp through the woods to get a peek of the half-naked fat chick mowing her lawn.. more power to him!!

Anyway... I was mowing and the Man-of-My-Dreams was working on his car, or something, near the carport.
For some reason, none of our young-men-folk were home.
I decided I would be a little naughty.
I looked down the looong driveway to make sure no one was pulling down the drive, nope saw no cars.

As I came across the longest stretch of lawn towards the Man-of-My-Dreams,
I hollered..... Hey baby!! and pulled down the tube-top portion of my dress, waved enthusiastically, and blew kisses to him as I bounced across the yard toward him.

I thought for sure he'd be impressed with my display of love and affection and bold actions.
Who knew? maybe he'd even want to take a "break" and I'd get out of mowing for the next few hours. *wink* *wink*
He did not come rushing across the yard to give me a long passionate kiss.
He didn't even whistle or say OOOh Baby like he usually does....

All he did was shake his head, chuckle, and walk away.
I was crushed.
My feelings were hurt.
It was gonna be a long time before the "girls" came out and waved to him again!

Until...
I almost ran over a pack of teenage girls who were walking down my driveway looking for my son.
I don't know who was more embarrassed.
Them?
Me?
or the Man-of-My-Dreams.
Or my son, when his cell phone started ringing with the story of his flashing Mowing-Momma

I wonder if I'll ever see those girls again....


oops!

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The Real reason I divorced Husband #1.

Well.. It's not the only reason.. but.... I would have been enough for most people!

B & I hadn't been married too long and were still in the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship when we went to a large family get-together/birthday party at his uncles house.

You have to understand how large and testosterone-filled his family is.
B is one of three brothers.
His father is one of three brothers.. etc etc etc...
All the men were there, all their spouses and children were there.
Grandmother G was there ...
lots and lots of people. (mostly men!)

We were all crammed into the small kitchen watching Uncle T blow out his birthday candles.
B was standing behind me.
I leaned over to grab my drink and sing Happy Birthday.
When I leaned back onto my husband I decided I was going to be a little bit naughty and reached behind me and gave him a little squeeze. (you know... down there... where only a wife is allowed to squeeze)
Wow Thanks!.. he whispered into my ear. But wait.... it was not my new husbands voice in my ear.
It was my new Father-in-Law!!
I guess B moved while I was leaning away from him and his father stepped in to watch the birthday boy.... He sure got more than he expected!
I almost died! He wasn't too upset by it. as a matter of fact, judging by the smile on his face, I think he got a kick out of it.
Of course everyone in the room saw/heard what I had done.

For the next 7 years of my life this unfortunate event was brought up at each and every family get together. I knew I would never be able to live down the fact that I felt up my father-in-law.

So.. I divorced him.
ok.. maybe there was more to it than that.... but this event is right on up there close to the top of the list of most embarrassing moments.

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Humiliation Chronicles (Hello Dr. Small...)

When I first moved to Houston, I worked as a mental health specialist at an in-patient psychiatric hospital. I loved it! My mother was the Director of Nursing (my Boss) there. The nursing staff all got along great! It was a fun group of people to work with. I also loved to work with the patients. It was a wonderful job for me.

In the beginning, I worked mostly second and third shift. I have never gotten the opportunity to meet the Chief of Staff Big Honcho Doctor Boss man, Dr. Doom, His real name was Dr Schmallschtic (thats probably spelled wrong but it's close) , But His reputation was well known. He was one of those doctors who had a huge God Complex (in other words.. thought he was better than God) he was not nice, very condescending and of course the nursing staff were the lowest life-form in his book, or at least thats how they all told me he acted. He was feared by all. (except my mother, but thats another story)

The rest of the staff tried to prepare me for my first unavoidable meeting with Dr. Doom .
"Don't speak to him unless he speaks to you!" check
"If he asks you for something just say Yes Doctor and run fast to get it done. Do NOT question him!" check
"Stay out of his way!!" check

The day finally arrived, I knew I would meet Dr Doom. Not only had I memorized the warnings and instructions of my co-workers, I had decided I was going to make a good impression on him. There was no way he wasn't gonna like Me! Everyone likes me! I'm a likable person for cryin out loud! I will be liked!! He wasn't gonna be the exception to that rule!! ( I loved that rule)

I was gonna ooze self esteem and confidence. I was gonna give him a firm handshake and look him square in the eye with a smile. I was gonna show him how great I was. He was gonna be amazed with my professionalism & my competence.

I was sitting at the desk in the nurses station.
Shift change was happening, this means that every other available staff member was in a room right behind me doing their reports for the day and getting the next shift up to speed.
I was the only one not in the staffing room.
I heard the elevator open.

He glided into the room. He was tall. He was put together very impressively, from the top of his perfectly neat-as-a-pin highlighted blond hair, past his ultra expensive high fashion cashmere trench coat, to his perfectly manicured nails. His presence filled the room. He smelled of arrogance as he scanned the nurses station.
Now is my chance! I thought.

I stood up. Walked confidently over to him. With my best smile I stretched out my hand in greeting and said. "Hello, It is so nice to finally meet you, I'm Dana, You must be Dr Small-dick"
Yes.... those are the words that actually came out of my mouth.... I was thinking Dr Schmallschtic, I really was.. but thats not what came out! uh oh.

There was a brief awkward pause between us. I wondered.. maybe I should just act like I said it right, and he will to and it will all go away. (I wanted to crawl into the little padded seclusion room and never come out) I waited, wondering what his reaction would be.
He said nothing.... whew. He let go of my hand and turned to walk away. I was in the clear! maybe he wasn't listening to me that close... maybe he didn't realize what I had just done!

Until the staff room full of 11 other employees Erupted into thunderous, chairs falling over, choking-on-their-coffee-and-donuts, snorting, lasting at least 10 minutes, roaring, laughter.

Great!
I didn't work there too long after that.

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Wednesday's most embarrassing Moment....

Went to the store this morning, nothing spectacular about that.

As most women my age do, I needed to buy some feminine hygiene products... again.. nothing I haven't done hundreds of times.

I was standing in the very crowded check-out line....
My three year old (Brooke) pulls out the pretty pink box of Tampax and says....

"This is yours Mommy!"
"Yes Brooke, those are mine." I reply.
then while crinkling up her cute little nose she sweetly and innocently says.....

"Mommy.... Don't stick em in your Bottom... Thats N-A-S-T-Y!!!"

As I quickly tried to bribe her to shut-up with candy..
I heard many mommies trying to contain their laughter...
and saw the poor man in line behind me who was wishing with all his might that he didn't need to buy those trash bags today!

I'm thinking it's time for a Lock on the bathroom door.... she does always manage to burst in at the most inopportune times...

**sigh**

kids... it's a good thing they are cute.. or I would have put em down long ago. lol

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