To My Short People,

I know it's cold outside.
But we live in Texas. Cold is relative.
You do not need to drive your truck to the end of the driveway to wait for the bus, just so I can walk out and get it later.
Put on your coat and deal with it, you won't die, I promise.

When I tell you to get busy and do your after-school chores, I mean go do your chores!
It is NOT the time give me a run-down on every chore that your brothers have not finished yet. I am fully aware of what has and has not been done, I do not need an assistant to keep score for me! If I do ever need an assistant it will NOT be you!

Green beans are NOT poisonous.

Do you think it would be possible to put half as much effort into your schoolwork as you do your burping contests? You could be on the honor roll if you tried this.

Your poop stinks too... so shut up!

Yes, I am a mean mom. Mean enough to turn you in at school when I find out you have been skipping gym class for more than 30 days. Your focus should not be on how unfair it is that I am mean, but maybe, just maybe on going to class!!! Something to think about while you sit in 10 days of in-school suspension huh?

Your friends are mad because I may have mentioned their names when the school asked me who you were skipping gym class with? Oh well... Guess I won't win that "Coolest Mom Of The Year Award" this year. however will I cope?

You don't think it's fair to be punished both at school and at home for the same crime?
Here's a thought....
How bout you do not commit the crime in the first place?!?!? Then ya don't have to worry about it at all.

You may not believe in Santa anymore, but make NO mistake!! There is indeed a "Naughty List". You might wanna work on staying off of it!

I love you.

Mom

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To My Short People,

I would like to take a moment to issue a formal apology.

I am sorry you have been inconvenienced by the presence of your brothers and sister in YOUR world. It must suck to have to share all that air.

I'm sorry you were cursed with me as your mother instead of the "cool moms" of all of your friends...
You know.. the friends who have no chores.
can go wherever whenever they want without even telling their parents.
I hate to break it to ya, but if you believe those stories from your friends... you aren't very bright... Bless your heart.

I'm sorry I refuse to buy you those $300 pair of shoes. I can't even type my reason without laughing uncontrollably at the request!

I am sorry that I am not as impressed with your farts as you seem to be. Surely you have another talent to share with your dear old mom?

I'm sorry I make you pull your pants up. I know that you have a cute Butt... isn't that enough?

If you truly believe that I am sorry about any of these things, Then I'm sorry you have such a sarcastic mother.

I love you...
Mom

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To My Short People.

You seriously expect me to believe that the big fat D on your report card was one of the highest grades in the class?? Everyone is failing? I should be proud of the D?? Really?
The Teacher is THAT bad? Wow!
I'm thinkin I should bake you some cookies to celebrate your accomplishment!
Or.. perhaps I should ground you and take away your phone like we agreed upon.
Decisions, Decisions.

Yes, I'm sorry to break it to you.. Even if you swear to never use the bathroom in this house again, you still have to clean the toilet when it's your day to do the bathroom...
nice try tho, and I am impressed with your creativity.
Are you really sure tromping through the woods , digging a hole, and pooping out there really that much easier than cleaning the toilet once a week?

Ummm yes, as a matter of fact, when you get grounded for getting that D on your report card, I will not let you drive. Sucks huh?
It's simple really.... S-T-U-D-Y!

Yes I'm sure he farted.. thank you for sharing... I can now sleep soundly with this knowledge.

You can shoot a basketball in the hoop, you can throw a football through a tire, you can get a ball in the pocket on the pool table, you can hit a bulls eye on the dart board, you can catch tossed popcorn with your mouth...
Why oh why can't you hit the toilet more accurately???
huh?? WHY????

I don't care if your hair is shorter after your hair cut. It still needs to be washed every day.. deal with it.

Yes, I know that you are the only child in the world who wasn't allowed to go to the homecoming football game without a parent with them.
I'm mean....
My sole purpose in life is to make you miserable.
I lay awake at night thinking of new ways to ruin your life.
It's working?
whoo hoo! Success!

I love you....
Mom

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To My Short People.

When I say.... "Someone please open the door."
This means that at least one of you should get up and actually open the door!
It does not mean.. Lets all sit here and look at each other with stupid blank expressions on our faces waiting for someone else to do it... This is NOT the same thing as a staring competition! Open the darn door for your mother!

Two minutes before lights out is NOT the time to tickle your little sister and make her hyper! It is NOT the time to play fetch with Otis the Killer Boston Terrier puppy!
It IS however, time to brush your teeth (shocking new news, I'm sure), take a drink, go to the bathroom etc etc etc...
In turn, two minutes AFTER lights out is NOT the time to remember to empty your bladder, wet your whistle, or brush your teeth! These rules have been in place for your whole entire life!! Learn em already!

Empty Milk Jug = Trash Can.... NOT the refrigerator!
Empty Orange Juice carton = Trash Can.. NOT Refrigerator!
Empty Water Bottle = TRASH CAN!... NOT REFRIGERATOR!!

The dog poop did not track itself into the living room floor! Check your shoes BEFORE you walk in the house!

No... you can NOT keep the cute stray puppy that someone dumped at the end of our driveway last night.... quit asking. Seriously... don't we have enough??

No.. you can NOT change your name to Jimmy.

No.. The rabbit can NOT sleep in your bed with you. sorry.

I know the splinter in your finger hurt... I promise it won't kill you while you are sleeping. You still have to go to school tomorrow. I'll kiss it for you and give you a special Band-Aid.

There is still no direct exit from the bathroom. I promise I'll be out when I am done.... Go Away!

Thank You For Your Time,
I Love You..
Mom

More Letters to My Short People can be found HERE


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To My Short People #2

To My Short People #1 --> HERE

Yes, I'm sure you didn't have it last. Actually, I'd be willing to bet that you have never used it in your whole entire life. So of course I know that you aren't the one who left it there. Mommy really doesn't have the time to dust it for prints or swab it for a DNA sample. So please pick it up. Why? Because I SAID SO!

I don't have a clue where your left flip-flop is. The last time I wore it I put it away.
I bet a robber came into the house while we were sleeping and stole your left flip-flop. I do believe I read about that pesky left flip-flop thief in the paper yesterday. We should indeed call the police and report this crime.... **rolling eyes**
Keep looking for it! It IS here somewhere! geesh!

Does it really matter who I am talking to on the phone? Who died and made you the phone-caller-need-to-knower of the universe? Believe me when I tell you that I have no desire to talk to your 12 year old friends who are calling for the 300th time to tell you what they did on their video game OR your 15 year old girlfriends who have to be the last to say "I love you" before you hang up the phone. When they call, I'll let you know... I promise.

You did it yesterday? Really? Would you like a cookie? Do I look like I care? Do it again today.. Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Yes, I know he farted... Thank you for pointing it out to me... again.

It's a bug... not a T-Rex.. schmoosh it with your shoe and move on with your life.

Yes, I'm sure you like it. You ate it the last time I cooked it. The time before that you even asked for seconds... I even have photo evidence, see? here in this picture you are eating it on April 14th 2007 you were even smiling... so sit down, be quiet and eat!

You may be taller than me. You have 16 long years under your belt. Guess what? I still know more than you! Accept it, and life will be easier for the both of us. Thank you.

I Love You,
Mom

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To My Short People,

You are right. It is not fair.
As a matter of fact, I never promised you that your life would be fair. You really should get used to it now.. Life is NOT fair. The sooner you learn to accept this fact, the better off you'll be. Now that you know this you can refrain from informing me ten-thousand times a day that It's not fair. Guess what??!? I KNOW!!!

Oh and by the way...

I really don't care if you were sitting there first. Seriously, does it really matter? Each of the cushions on the couch face the same place, what does it matter which one you sit on? Is this really something worth fighting over? I think not.. and I really don't care!

Yes.. as a matter of fact, he IS allowed to look at you!

Oh and are you on fire? Is there water flooding the house? Is a stranger after you? Are you bleeding profusely? No? Then DO NOT SCREAM!

I am very happy he farted, thank you for pointing it out to me.

Now means now. Not in a minute, Not in a little bit, Not when your ready, Not when you think it's time, Not during a commercial, Not when you feel like it... it means NOW!

I know for a fact you see that piece of trash on the floor. Even though you pretend not to see it and walk around it every time you pass through the room in hopes someone else will bend over and pick it up. You know you see it, I know you see it. PICK IT UP!!!

SHUT THE DOOR.

It's your turn? Really? Would you like a cookie? Get over it and stop telling me it's your turn... I don't really care!

I am in the bathroom, I did not run away... I promise I will come out as soon as I am done, do you really have to come looking for me every time I disappear into that little room? There is no exit from it, have faith, I will be out soon, so Go Away and leave me alone to do what one does in the bathroom.... all will be well with the world once more as soon as I am finished, I promise.

It's called a phone. I am allowed to talk on it for 5 min without being interrupted. Really.. it's OK.

I love you.

Mom

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