Mar 10, 2011

Getting "Over It" aka "Thankful"

Tuesday night was a night like most other nights on our homestead.
I was cooking dinner.
The Man-of-My-Dreams was at Baseball practice w/ the Little-Foreman-in-Pink (7yrs old) and worker #4 (11yrs old).
I told him to call me when they were on their way home from the ballpark, it is just 3 miles from our home.

The phone rang at 7:22pm...
Him- "Come get us, we are upside down in the ditch"
Me- "Oh, ok...  well when you are done playing, dinner is ready, Love you."
Him= "Come Get us" (muffled screams talking in the background) "C'mon baby...  crawl out this window"...
Me- "You ARE kidding right??"
Him- "No, come get us"
then the line went dead...

My heart stopped.
I screamed for worker #1 to grab his keys and we raced to the accident scene.
This is what I saw as we pulled up...

At 35mph the truck hit a puddle and lost all control.
It spun.
Then slid into the deep ditch, it hit "just so" and started to flip end-over-end before coming to a rest on it's roof.

I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't think.
I couldn't talk.
All I could do was run.
I ran until I saw my husband standing on the side of the road.
I scooped up my sobbing 11yr old son and squeezed the poor guy so hard he couldn't breathe.
I frantically looked for my daughter...
Hubby had put her into another truck to keep her dry (it was raining) and safe from passing cars.
Once I had both of my babies in my arms and did a thorough inspection of hubby to make sure everyone was really ok, it began to sink in...

I just almost lost half of my family...

There is no reason that we should all be standing here virtually un-harmed...

All the windows on the passenger side of the truck are gone...

everything on that side of the truck is gone or crushed...

The drink that was sitting in the cup holder between my husband and son was embedded 6 inches into the dirt UNDER the cab of our now over-turned truck...

And yet, my family walked away...

There are no words to describe how thankful I am of that.

But, I have been shaken to my core.
I feel myself getting depressed.
The thoughts of what "Could have happened" are consuming too much of my time,
too much of my heart,
too much of my mind.

I feel so silly, I mean, I should be doing cartwheels and laughing uncontrollably with joy.
and yet...  I almost feel like I am mourning.

My mom said it's because I know that dark place that could have happened Tuesday night all too well.
I have I have seen it...  Lived it... with the death of my brothers.
I know that it "does happen".
This was just too close.

I have always had almost a "Waiting for the shoe to drop" feeling about my children.
I am one of 4 kids.
Only 2 of us made it to adulthood.
It was just my reality, kids die, it happens.
And if something happened to the Man-of-My-Dreams? ((shudder))

I have 5 beautiful, healthy children...
Based on my reality, the odds are against me... er them.

I know it sounds stupid.
I know I am blessed.
I know I am lucky.

But...  It's always there.
It is a fear that will never go away.
And Tuesday night was TOO CLOSE!

Now...
How do I "Get Over It"?
How you you move past something that didn't even happen?!
Pin It!

25 amazing comments. Talk To Me!!:

Karen R. said...

Wow...I have never been in that situation but I do let myself get caught up with "what ifs" with my children to the point it can make me sick or crazy. I would like to think if I was in your same shoes I would keep bringing my feelings to God and my heart to heal and to replace every time I start to get those creeping fearful thoughts and feelings to replace them with the sheer joy of being able to see and hold them and tell them you love them again. You can try to think of it as a gift from God to snap you out of the mundane to always remember what is truly important in this life and that you have it right in front of you today so cherish it. I'm so glad everybody is ok..I will be praying that you feel better :)

Virginia said...

I don't have an "instructions on how to 'get over it' list". I do have prayer. You are all on my heart and in my prayers even more than usual! Praising God you are all OK. Asking God to protect your heart and mind from the what-ifs.

mzkynd said...

Thank the goddess that you and your family are safe and together, was so glad to read that everyone is ok!

~Deb~ said...

Glad all are okay, and it's okay to think about the what-if's, they keep us grounded. However don't let yourself get caught up in them, get caught up in your family instead! I understand your personal reality is bent all little but at least you know thats not the "norm" I hope you find a way to deal with it, I am sorry I don't have any sage advice to dole out, but I don't.
You do however have my hope and prayers that all of you recover from the incident!

Fran said...

You don't get over it, at least not right away. You have to go through the grief process just as you would with any other major life changing event. You have to have time to process it, for it to sink in --- both what did happen, what could have happened, and what didn't happen.

No real advice except that if it keeps bothering you after what seems like a decent amount of time has passed, talk to someone: a priest, a friend, your husband, a counselor. It doesn't matter. But you have to talk to someone or it will eventually suck all the joy out of your life.

Meanwhile I'm glad someone was watching out for them and that you're all safe and healthy. Try looking at it that way, being grateful for the small things and not dwelling too much on what could have happened.

Sandra J said...

I just happened upon this blog today of all days when I'm going through the same thing - the What if's? My what if's have to do with cancer - I am 15 months cancer free and tomorrow I have my next check up with my oncologist - and I've been thinking the what if's this time. My hubby and I are in the process of adopting two children that we have been fostering for two months. My what if's -- what if it is back and they take the children away or even if they don't -- it's back and I can't beat it and my husband is left to raise these two little ones alone.

I don't think you ever get over the what if's when you face mortalitiy of a loved one or yourself. But I think prayer helps. I've been praying every day that I'll live to see these beautiful children grow up. And I give thanks for your miracle and pray that your family will be healthy and safe.

Sandy

Just Heather said...

I know the feeling all too well! It was right around this time 4 years ago that the same thing happened to me. My sister called sobbing, saying she was sorry over and over and over again. I had no idea what was going on, except that she had my babies.

Then, my then-9yo finally took the phone and reassured me everyone was fine. Arriving at the scene, to see their car on the wrong side of the highway made me throw up. Even though they were fine.

It still makes me shake to think of that one terrible night it could have all been gone. But, we are so, so blessed. Hugs to you and your family!

waytenmom said...

I can relate -- what you are going through is not something you should feel bad about (even though it is very uncomfortable). Thank God they are all okay. Sending warm bloggy thoughts your way....

Scrap'N'Play said...

I can only imagine what went through your mind when you got that call. My thoughts and prayers are with you while you go through the process of realizing that they are all ok and that you can be thankful that they are! You will hold them all a little closer because you do know what could have happened. *hugs*

Stacy

Peach said...

What a story! God bless you and your family!

Tammy Hart said...

When my brother drowned at the age of 19, I assumed I would be a crazy loon for the rest of my life, wandering around hopelessly depressed. But there were two things that made that just a fleeting nightmare: 1) I knew my brother was home with Jesus and 2) I had the Holy Comforter in me too. I have never almost lost something like this, but I know that no matter what happens, God is in control and He is there in a way that words can't explain. That is how you "get over it", you make sure that God is living in each of your lives so that no matter what happens, you land safely where you belong.

Threeundertwo said...

Your feelings are real, and it takes time to process them. As we get older, tragedies and deaths don't stand on their own, they accumulate with other tragedies and deaths that we have experienced before. That is completely normal.

I suggest lots of family hugging! I am so happy this had a happy ending for you. Now be gentle on yourself.

my3littlebirds said...

Thanks for writing about what I'm sure was a scary experience. It makes me want to hug my kids!
I think a lot of times, when trauma happens our reactions are unexpected. I can understand that with your history of loss, this has brought up some intense feelings. Hugs!

Sassy Lassies Vintage Life said...

I have been there and sometimes still struggle with the feeling. My son served two tours of duty, one in Afghanistan as part of a scout/sniper team, and one in Iraq with the 75th Rangers. I was always on the edge of my seat for 4 years. Then he came home (relief), got a job (more relief) and then...4 days before graduation from a 22 week course to become a police officer, he had a massive heart attack.

This is what I wrote on a blog:
http://isurrenderthis.blogspot.com/2007/11/floating-downstream.html

It has now been over 3 years since this event. He is getting married in June, become not just a police officer (the drs said it would be impossible have the heart attack) but a member of their S.W.A.T. team and this past winter was awarded a beautiful German Shepard and went through Police Canine School and graduated as the top handler in his class.

There are days when I still deal with the fear of something happening again, but I am reminded again and again how strong he is and how faithful God is.

My brother lives just outside Sendai, Japan and we are dealing with the earthquake and tsunami and potential nuclear problem at the moment. He is safe and all of his wife's family have been accounted for. We are blessed again, as you have been. Let us just count the blessing of this day, be still within in and not think about the past or the future. This is how I get through each day...Surrendered to it.

Anonymous said...

Thank God!!! I can relate to that feeling to "the other shoe is gonna drop". With 3 kids, I cant even fathom something happening to any of them, and I think about it often....

Anonymous said...

When I gave birth to my 4th child he was very sick and died the next day. I had thoughts of fear try to consume me of my heath or my other kids.But it happened to be on my daughters birthday he died and I was reminded in that moment how Blesssed I was 2 years earlier on that day. I think when you experience tragedy you eyes are opened to things you never worried could happen before but also because of that you can cherish everyday you have with your loved ones because we personally know all to well that life is short and we do not know what each day brings so live with no regrets. I love my kids differently now not in fear of them dying but knowing they are a gift from God to enjoy while I can!

Anonymous said...

Give it over to God. I saw my father die a horrible death and after he passed away I became a bit obsessed about something happening to my mother or husband. Besides my grandparents they are the only family I have left. I feel so worried always reminding them to drive safely, call me when you get there, go to the doctor...so much so that it drives them crazy! I have to give it to GOD everyday. I have to say this is in your hands. It's hard, it's a daily struggle. AND, reading your story just proves that GOD is in control - he knows what he is doing.

ChristineMM said...

What a scary situation your family has been through. I am so happy everyone is alright.

Try to focus on feeling gratitude for the reality not what could have been.

I haven't had that situation but have watched loved ones die which was sad but made me want to extract more out of the life I still have since I'm still alive and other loved ones are still here.

God didn't want any of your family yet, He has plans for them, apparently!

heather said...

Wow.

I struggle with depression and anxiety and I know how easily it can get a hold of you and not let go.

Last week our Pastor talked about not letting anyone/anything take our peace from us.

Your family is safe. Try to focus on that. when you feel the what ifs coming on, do something. Say a prayer, recite a verse, sing a silly song, play music that makes you feel good, anything that can help raise your spirit.

Then, go hug your kids, or your husband, tell them you love them, how lucky you are to have them. Not because they survived an accident but because the Lord gave them to you and not someone else.

dykewife said...

fear is an enormous emotion that can preclude all else. fear can also morph into depression, anxiety and anger. it's the nature of the emotion. i know that you feel enormous relief that your family is still intact, that your children and husband are unharmed. but that doesn't change the massive shock your psyche went through that night. give yourself time to recover from that trauma.

Loretta said...

Praise God that your family is ok!!! I'm sure that was a very scary situation for all of you!!!

Domestic Goddess said...

I'm catching up on posts and just got to this. Tears are streaming down my face. I was 14 when I watched my Dad leave for work and never come home again. He was killed in an accident two hours after he walked out the door. I watched my mom struggle and go a little crazy.
I have that waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling.
My mom and dad were six years apart. My Hubby and I are six years apart. My dad died before his 40th birthday. I held my breath until my hubby turned 40.
Watching my mom struggle...
I have a plan on what I can do if something happens. As we fix things and work on home projects I like to be involved so I know what to do if he's not here. He says "Why do you keep killing me off?" Because I KNOW it can happen.

I am so thankful your family is safe. I feel your anxiety. It is so easy to say give it to God when in reality it is hard to do. I'll pray for peace for you.

cooler said...

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sandra said...

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cory - falling star lane said...

I, too, have 5 children - plus a few from marriages, and best friends of kids - and the fear of potential loss seems to hover in the back of my brain. I pray - always and without ceasing, for their protection and strength - and i will until i am not able to any longer!
I was in tears as i read this post - i am so thankful for the protection on your family!


Thanks for this site - just found you, so glad i did, you do a great job!

Cory

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