I mean.. I share every other humiliating detail of my life on here, why not my cottage cheese buns and flappy arms?
Anyway... This isn't something that happened overnight.
I'm pretty darn sure that my children had something to do with it; of course, so did the cream gravy and cheesecake.
But I find it much more acceptable to blame the short people for my fat & saggin' from birthin' all them babies, body!
After I squeezed person #2 out of my nether regions, I noticed I was starting to get some extra baggage that didn't disappear when the little darling arrived.
I decided I needed to do something about it before the fat cells decided to invite more friends for a permanent party on my thighs.
I joined a gym.
Well, "They" called it a gym.
The contract I signed locking me into paying a gazillion dollars had the words "gym" on the top if it. The super-buff cute guy who showed me around called it a "gym" and seemed happy to see me.
I bought some cute workout shorts and wore one of my husbands T-shirts. And I was off to work out. I was ready to sweat; my hair was pulled up into a ponytail; I had a bright pink bandanna around my head to catch the hard-earned sweat I knew would soon pour off me. I went inside the "gym".
Things were going fine, I was making myself familiar with all of the gym equipment. I was even beginning to sweat! Whoo Hoo! I was making progress!
As I sat on the thigh-worker-outer-machine, I began to look around.
There were a lot of people there! They were all working out, and standing around talking.
The more I looked, the more I realized that these people were different than me. The men were all buff and beautiful, wearing their little tank-tops, perfectly tan, rippling with raw muscle and power.
WOW!, I thought to myself, this gym has some very handsome men!
And I pulled my t-shirt a bit lower in an attempt to conceal my big butt.
Then I noticed the women.
They all looked like they just walked out of a Workout Barbie box!
Each one had their makeup perfectly applied, not a hair was out of place, each waist was smaller than the last. Obviously none of these alien women have never carried a whole person around in her abdomen for 9 months! Their "workout clothes" covered less than most bikinis!!
There was no sweat!
There were no groans of pain from working so hard.
They were all just perfect models flirting with all of the men!
I sat there realizing how out of place I was, wishing I could just disappear and find a large bowl of ice cream.
My hot pink bandanna was dripping with sweat; my husbands t-shirt was wet; I couldn't decide if the bright red color on my face was from physical activity or from embarrassment.
No! I wasn't gonna let the fact that this place was more of a beautiful person pickup joint than a gym make me give up on my goals! Not to mention the fact that I was locked into a contract for the next 5 years!
I decided to try out the treadmill. There were a ton of them in a line, it would be easy to blend into my surroundings. Anything had to be better than sitting on the thigh machine and letting it force my knees way too widely apart!
I walked over to treadmill row.
But they were all occupied by tan, firm, perky, cheerleaders.
I decided it was time to leave. As I went to turn to walk out of the door, one of the pep squad divas left her treadmill. This was my chance! I was going to finish my workout no matter what!
I casually walked over to the treadmill.
I stepped onto it quietly so I would not attract any attention from the "perfect people".
The next thing I knew I felt an excruciating pain in my head.
My arm hurt, my leg hurt, my butt hurt!!
I opened my eyes to see 7 big and beautiful buff men trying to untangle me from a StairMaster machine!
But... but.. the row of StairMasters were behind me!?
Apparently, it is common practice at the pickup gym to check and make sure the treadmill is actually turned off before you step onto the 8-mile-an-hour spinning belt!
I never went back.
And, yep... I'm still fat!
17 amazing comments. Talk To Me!!:
I used to go to the gym--before I had five kids. Now I only go when it's closed. ;)
I used to go to the gym but couldn't figure out how to use the equipment and couldn't find anyone to help me. Well, I didn't look very hard. I was pretty embarrassed to be the only fat girl there.
I eventually quit and now I go to Curves. I like it. I don't get as bored as I did using my elliptical and hopefully I'll have a stationary bike at home soon. (My favorite piece of exercise equipment.)
When I lived in Texas, I had a membership to Cosmopolitan Lady and was very proud to claim that I attend a min. of three times a week. Of course, as you can tell by the fact that Cosmo went under almost 15 years ago, that was awhile ago for me.
Here in Kansas I tried to join a gym, but they were all coed. Even though I had lost a lot of weight and was looking pretty darn good, I was too embarrassed to workout with guys.
Nowdays, I don't even like working out with DH. I am agonna' have to do something soon..cuz I embarrassed myself tonight when I actually had enough nerve to get up on the scale. OUCH!
Dieting and exercise are just soooo much fun!
A few years ago the grand daughters and I joined Curves. it was fun, no skinny models, no men, just fun. It helped me lose weight alright. But since I have exercise enduced asthma, I had to stop! Now I work in my garden and ride my bike.
I tried the gym for a month and it was horrible, but in the end I preferred walking around my place and go workout with a DVD.
Ok, so I love going to the gym although I don't have a membership at the moment. I ignore the pretty people.. well no, I try to be inspired by them. My proudest gym moment was doing chest presses beside a very nice young hunky guy. I was maxed out (w/all of 12-15 # dumbbells compared to his mega weights) - he could tell so he began to encourage me during my last few reps. I am proud to say that I grunted and groaned like the big boys to finish. LOL And thy hunky young man gave me a "good job". I admit that at times I felt silly lifting weights w/ a bunch hulk-like men but I didn't care. For some odd reason being with them encouraged me to push harder. Oh and for the record I was heavier then than I am now!
Let me encourage you ladies to start a home gym. Get yourself some dumb bells and maybe a bench or one of those big athletic balls. Even when I did go to the gym I still worked out at home.
Hmmm .. I'd like to mention that if anyone is interested in how I lost my weight last summer and kept it off without ever feeling hungry or deprived please feel free to contact me. Hope I'm not going against any kind of blog commenting code of ethics. I never do this but given the subject and my heart to help women thought I'd throw it out there.
Luv & hugs to all of you!
Shileen
You tell the best stories; I LOL'ed so hard!! Not at you, WITH you. ;)
This is why we bought a treadmill - so I'd never have to exercise in front of anyone but my family who never look at me anyway.
I think I'd rather keep my extra 10lbs (and gain a few more) than deal with that:) Your hilarious!
My husband bought me an elliptical trainer because of a similar experience at a gym. It gets a really good workout holding my clothes and acting as a jungle gym for my boys!!
Those dang skinny bit**es! Bet they never heard creamy gravy and fried chicken! They probably just have water and air and off to the gym. LOL
My first comment here! I love your blog Dana!
I'm so sorry to hear so much negativity about working out. It's been part of my lifestyle for most of my adult life. While I do realize there are those pretty people who go to the gym to socialize and meet the opposite sex, there ARE those of us that go there to work out hard. I'm in my mid 40's and work out ay home or the gym almost daily with heavy weights and cardio.
I'm surprised that Dana would let others in the gym keep her from accomplishing her goals. She seems to be a very determined woman in other areas of her life.
I agree with the other comment that the gym can be a very inspiring and empowering place. A home gym would be a great place to start. Don't give up on exercise. But also remember that nutrition is 80% of the equation. You cannot out train a poor nutrition plan. And it doesn't involve working out on air! LOL! Good results come from adequate calories from nutritious food including protein, carbs, and healthy fats.
Just wanted to share my thoughts!
hahaha...sad but true, and the reason why I gave up going to a gym a loooong time ago :)
I have an award for you! Enjoy...
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Denise,
don't worry.. I did not make me abandon my goals. this happened almost 12 years ago! lol
I have my own home gym, and have lost 22.5lbs since Dec 11th. doing just fine.
just a funny story from my past.
OMG - I feel for you! I have not joined a gym either (I did go to one long ago actually, but that was many many pounds ago) because of those beautiful people. I need a regular people gym - maybe a before, during, and after section?
I don't want to have to be beautiful & thin already to join. Sort of like having to clean your house before you have a maid come to clean it.
Thanks for sharing your story (I was hear reading the Wife Swap thing and thought I would look around more)
Wow, Dana, grats on the weight loss!
I've tried five different gyms over the years and just couldn't get into really working out with all those already beautiful people around me. How come it seems like they never break a sweat but have "perfect" bodies? Hmmm....
My husband and I gave ourselves the gift of fitness this year. I cancelled my latest gym membership and we bought a Bowflex. Combined with all the rest of the workout equipment I already had (balance ball, Bosu, jump ropes, handweights, medicine ball, Yoga mat) and I have my very own gym! I didn't even realize I already had that much stuff!
And bonus...I have someone to work out with who knows what I look like naked so I don't have to feel self-conscious and pathetic about looking like a fat slug in sweats and a t-shirt. We have fun and work out in our gym four days a week.
I'm glad to hear you are making such great progress! Keep up the good work! After I posted, I read about the quessadilla burgers. They sound great! I believe you are absolutely on the right track by adapting foods/recipes into healthier versions you can enjoy. It's definitely not about starving yourself but making wise choices you can stick with as a lifestyle.
My only problem and what I have to be mindful of is I sure can put away the sweets if I have a mind to! LOL!
That one had me laughing right out loud and getting dirty looks from my lazy beagles for waking them.
I get the same feeling in there and I'm a size eight! Those weird vat grown barbie clones just freak me out. I'd rather garden...
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