Jan 20, 2009

Ok Mom's... I need your input.

I have bitched, whined, complained, cried, sobbed, told you about my eldest son who is 16 and the fact that he is in "Love", he has a serious girlfriend. They have been "going together" for about 10 months now. And in teen relationship years that equals longer than most marriages.

They have discussed what is gonna happen when they go to college, they have talked about the kind of wedding they want, the style of house they want to live in, the names of their children, all of the fun dreams that you talk about when you are young and in love.

They spend a great deal of their time together at our house. They are 16, this means that they do not get much alone time. I figure that they have enough temptations to deal with, I'm not gonna make it easier on them to find moments of weakness.
They are both great kids. They both have said they are not ready for sex and plan on waiting. But I was 16 once too. I know how easy it is for things to go too far. They are rarely, if ever, alone.
They are cuddly, they snuggle beside eachother on the couch and sneak a kiss or two... that kind of thing.

I am beginning to find myself uncomfortable at times being in the same room with the two lovebirds.
And they are getting a little too comfortable expressing themselves in front of me.
Hubby says Holding hands should be it.. anything more is disrespectful to do in front of me.
I say a little is ok.. but Don't get carried away, I am the mother, not the buddy.

My question to you parents....
How much physical affection is ok with you?
I'm not talking about the rules you have set for what is acceptable and what is not..
I'm talking about what is ok in front of you?
Holding hands? kissing? hugging?
Where do you draw the line?

Inquiring minds wanna know.....

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18 amazing comments. Talk To Me!!:

Kristi O said...

we are like you... waiting is best in our minds. But its hard to control the hormones when you think you are in love, blah, blah, blah. We pretty think that holding hands in fine, we draw the line at watching movies late at nite alone, or anything like that, call us prude but we were young once too. Its hard on the heart to go too far. A kiss goodnite is all right but not the point of needing a room, you know? keep up the parenting.... you are doing a great job worrying and asking the right questions.

Kim said...

Well, my kids are only 3 and 18 months so... I can't tell you from a parenting point of view, but I would think that holding hands and a kiss goodnight is about all I would tollerate. Anything more than that, they better be married! I know my husband and I got a little too close a little too often, and I was 20 and he was 23 when we were dating! Better to be safe than sorry!! Keep it public!

Shelby said...

Been there, done that a few times already!

1. Peck-type kiss? Cool.
2. Tongue kissing? GROSS. Yeah, I know we do it with our spouses but it's supposed to be PRIVATE. I don't even like seeing it on TV. Ick.
2. Hand-holding? Cool.
3. Hugs of the kind like I might give my BFF after I haven't seen her in a while? Cool.
4. Hugging for extended periods or where you can't tell one ends and the other begins? Not cool.
5. Head on the other one's shoulder sitting on the couch (in the family room where anybody could walk by anytime)? Cool.
6. LAYING on the couch together? That's enough (and we did it a couple of times too!) to bring the evening to a screeching halt!
7. Also -- teenage, hormone-laden hands can be TRICKY THINGS. HANDS IN SIGHT at all times!
8. Related to #7? NO SNUGGLING under a throw blanket or afghan!

We were strict but not too much since nobody moved out til their mid 20s!

Kathy said...

K I have a 18 yr old male. Good Luck, I have many nieces and nephews so unfortunately I know this situation too well. Whatever makes you feel queezy shouldn't be done. As Shelby said those hormones rage through both sexes during this time. A slight move can happen in an instant. All this being said this topic is like drinking IHO, if you protest too much it is worse than if you allow a certain amount. Every kid rebels, the only question is how much and if you know it or not. You want to hope your son will come to you, he may or may not.

Bottom line you know deep down what is acceptable, and what will drive your son away to act out somewhere else. Trust your gut, love your son and it will be okay with a lot of prayer!

grandmamargie said...

I think you should just go with the way you feel about certain actions in front of you. If it makes you feel anything other than "that's ok with me", let them know. And at 16, their feelings are just as real as someone older and more mature. Puppy love, as we used to call it, feels as strong as adult love. Good luck.

Christina said...

With 3 of my 4 kids over the age of 18, I've been there.
Rule in my house is they are allowed to hold hands and a quick hug/small kiss upon arriving or leaving.
Nothing more.
I always tell them, pretend you are in church, what do YOU think is appropriate.

Works every time.

4th child is only 3yrs old so I think I have a few years before dealing with that again.

Anonymous said...

If they are exhibiting more loviness...it might be too late. With my experience, the more loviness they start showing.....usually means they've crossed the border. If she is hanging on him, legs draped across his, acting like she wants to bury herself into him.....might be too late. You might try a bluff, like you found out something to see if they fall for it.....
Teen sex is very high in our town and so is welfare. It is almost glamourized for some reason. "Oh don't worry if you get pregnant, you can get on welfare and THEY'LL pay for everything". Also, the average sexually active teen is walking around w/ 2.3 STD's!!! That is a national average.....scary isn't it? Good luck and hope you can keep it at bay.

Jenn said...

Holding hands and a quick kiss hello and goodbye is all I can stomach from my 16-year-old daughter.

And I'm going to have to echo Anonymous' sentiments...just because they've said they're going to wait doesn't mean they have. My daughter swore up and down and left and right that she wasn't ready for sex and planned to wait. And yes, we talked about it, frequently. Sex is an open topic in our house because I'd rather her get the answers from us, not her friends. She knew very well how her father and I feel about sex at her age. She had us fooled that she understood and felt the same way. And we let our guard down. BIG MISTAKE. If they want to, they will. She did "it" (IN MY HOUSE!!!!) while we were gone shopping for a couple of hours. Just when you think you can trust them enough to leave them home alone, they punch that trust in the face and do whatever the heck they want to do anyway.

Good luck. I'm right there with ya. The teenage years, they aren't a party for parents, that's for sure.

Jo said...

Sit them down. Tell them that you are uncomfortable with what you see (and chances are, if it makes you uncomfortable, then it is making others uncomfortable, as well). They are probably totally unaware when they are making others squeemish. Make them aware of what is acceptable/unacceptable, and give them a word or phrase that clues them in when they have crossed the line (marshmallows! or Anyone want marshmallows?...you get the picture). This is their cue to lay off of the PDA, without embarassing them in front of others. Be clear and honest, and include consequences, if you feel it is necessary!

Becky said...

We were all about remaining vertical.....

Mary Moore said...

I haven't entered that realm yet, but will be any time now, I'm sure. I think anything past a kiss and holding hands or a nice hug would make me squirm.

Jenn said...

Since I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old girl , the thoughts of it makes me crazy. The hand holding is ok I gues and maybe a quick hug bye /hi whatever but I think I would pass out at the kissing and if I caught him grabbing her boobs omg the boy would be running home !

Laura L. said...

A relief to know there are so many moms out there who feel squeamish at the sight of more than hand holding and a quick hug or peck.

My son is 16, dating someone for 7 months.
I agree with what you said. Never give them an opportunity to make a mistake.
My son is our 3rd. It still doesn't get any easier. LOL

christinemm said...

My oldest boy is 11 but I remember when I was a teen....

I say--

NO BLANKETS! Teens are stealth, even in a room with others watching TV.

Once while researching a local news story I found a blog talking about it and in the next post the sophomore told of going to third base while sitting up on a couch with a blanket while watching a Disney movie with her parents and younger sibs in the room.

No laying down together!

No french kissing in front of you!

Kids are sneaky and things can happen quickly when no one is around, but there is a difference when these things are done right in the room with you, they can get away with stuff.

Silverilex said...

Hmm.... after surviving 5 teenagers so far with one more to go, I can offer these tips...
1. no touching in bathing suit areas (old fashioned, not g-string!). no sitting or laying heads on laps. G rated kissing allowed on greeting and leave-taking. Situations escalate like bonfires. Give them an inch, they snatch a mile.
2. no sleepovers. kids are very sneaky and usually haven't been run off their feet all day by the demands of running a household/work so have more staying power to out-wait the tired chaperones.
3. no one of opposite sex allowed in bedrooms EVER. Or in the house when no adults present.
4. never let them know you are going to be away from home for any length of time. Be leery when they call to find out when you will be home.
5. BE SUSPICIOUS and AWARE! if they know you are watching, they are more likely to behave.
6. realise that you can only control the situation when you are there.
7. realise that lack of horizontal space and/or privacy does NOT deter the hormonally desperate!
8. be very clear that any mess ups will be their RESPONSIBILITY! It's no fun to be responsible for a screaming baby.
9. 'Borrow' the worst, high-maintance baby/kid you know- frequently! and 'need their help to babysit' and have plenty of things for you to do so they have to take care of the brat-let.
10. Know that not all parents have the same values as you do, so worry about parties or sleepovers at people's houses you don't know very well. Call to confirm info given by teens. And listen very carefully when friends are around. Teens tend to think other kids Moms are deaf and dumb. Valuable information to be had within mind-numbing teenage prattle.
11. If all else fails, make them take responsibility. Once they have a baby, they are adults with adult priorities. DON'T bail them out. Or you will be doing it 4-Ever!!!
Good Luck! Even if they choose the challenging road against your advice and get around your best efforts, at least you know (and can remind them! heheh) that you did your best to curtail the situation! No matter what you do, you can't supervise them 24/7. Hope for common sense to reign when you are not there. And trust your instincts. If it feels dodgy, it usually is.

silverilex said...

Oh! And show them pics of STDs and childbirth. Yuck!

Sab said...

Oh, I couldn't kiss in front of my parents... not until we were married. It just felt... wrong. And if we did kiss in front of my parents it was just on the cheek, you know? The 'cute' kind.

I totally think you are doing an awesome thing by not letting your 16 year old and his girlfriend be alone. Hormones are funny things. Even the teens with the best of plans can have things go wrong when hormones are involved.

And I agree with Shelby! Those are some good rules!

FarmGoneAmuckChick said...

......... You have some very savvy moms here, that have commented,bravely on there values !! My boys are 34 & 38 ... I wouldn't want to go through this again !! ( it was exhausting )

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