I guess I'll never learn...

The Man-of-My-Dreams has started his long journey from Kazakhstan back home to my arms.
I am happy.
I am excited.
I am giddy.
I am thrilled.
I am PANICKED!

yes... I said panicked.

You see, as I sit here writing on the eve of his arrival, I realize I am, at this very moment, doing the exact same thing I did for years every day at 3:00pm as a teenager.

My mother was a nurse.
She worked the 7am-3pm shift at the hospital. I was a teenager, it was summer, and I was at home.
Before she left for work each morning, she would tell me what she needed me to do.
Wash the dishes, fold the laundry, clean the kitchen, etc etc etc...

When I got up, I planned my day.
I knew it would be best to get the work done and out of the way first thing.
I was gonna do the work first thing so I didn't have to worry about it.
I really was!
I had the best of intentions.

But... Every single afternoon, I found myself freaking out and rushing around like a mad person 30 min before my mother was to arrive home, tired from working all day, trying to make the house look like I had done a ton of work while she was gone.

I am the queen of good intentions,
I am the queen of procrastination.
*sigh*

My house is a mess.
Things are nowhere near being in order.
Yes, I do have good reasons for this,

A new teenager moved in, I started a new business, critters needed tending to, 2 teenagers who were gone for the summer moved back home, 4 different meet the teacher nights, rooms have been changing around, everything in the house has been shifted, 6 kids started school, 2 kids started football, schedules changed, needless to say, it has been a tad crazy and stressful to handle solo.

I still have the best of intentions.
I still really mean to stay on top of the housework.
I'm really gonna get it done before it gets bad.
I really do...
But it never happens.

I start.
I make lists.
I prioritize,
I dive in....

I start going through piles, emptying shelves, throwing things away...
Then I turn around.
I see how much there is to do.
It seems insurmountable...
I get overwhelmed.
S0 I make a list, I break tasks into little pieces so they don't look so big... I end up spending hours on the list.... and getting overwhelmed at how long it is.

and....

I quit.

Well... I don't really quit.
I stuff.
I fill totes.
I fill boxes.
I throw things in the attic.
I do anything I can to make it go away...
to make it look better...

But it's never really "done"
It's a charade.
It's a lie.

I am no longer a teenager.
I am 38 years old.
I am too old for this crap!
I should have things in order.
I should be able to stay on top of things.
I should not be so easily overwhelmed.
I should be able to handle this!
I should not be such a housekeeping failure.

But I am.
And I don't know what do to.