Tomorrow is our big court date.
If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, you might wanna read this post and get up to speed.
Tomorrow the results of our paternity test will be announced and the judge will make a decision about what happens next.
C and I have no doubt what the results are.
But we are still nervous.
C is nervous because he hopes that Fred will actually show up and not just send his lawyer in his place.
He wants to look this man in the eye.
He wants to stand tall and proud as if to show him .. "Look at what you missed out on."
He wants to hear his voice.
He wants to search this stranger-of-a-man and see if there is anything familiar there.
He wants to add a face, a voice, a look, a personality, anything, to this faceless entity he knows is his "father".
He wants to know if the eyes, that look just like his, will look back at him filled with anger, or remorse, or indifference.
He wants and he deserves all of these things.
I am also nervous.
I am nervous about what my response will be if Fred approaches me.
Will I stand strong and say what has been in my head for 19 years if he comes to me in anger?
Will I say everything I want to make sure I say if he comes to me and is humble?
Will I hold steady and not look away when our eyes meet?
Will I hold my tongue and act like an adult?
Will I be able to fight back the tears when, finally the truth is public?
I don't know the answers to any of these things.
I do know that this emotional roller coaster is fixing to come to an end for me.
And I do know that it's just getting started for my son.
When I think of this fact, my nerves are calmed.
The Mama Bear in me comes out.
And Mama Bear does Not cower or back down when it comes to protecting her cubs.
Nobody better poke Mama Bear or her cub..... it could get ugly if they do.
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