Time to let you a little deeper into my warped psyche.
I am a little bit of a worrier....
Well, not really a worrier.. but I tend to over-think some issues that others may find kinda morbid.
Ohhh my "Issues" I have "issues".
I was talking to my BFF Marlene and she said I am morbid and maybe even a little bit sick.
(but she loves me anyway.. whew!)
I talked to my sister-in-law and her Super-Geek hubby and they said I am plain ole warped and they were shocked that The Man-of-My-Dreams hasn't started to drink heavily!
... here goes....
I'll give you a few examples then my personal psychiatric evaluation and you tell me what you think.
I'm driving in the car. A beautiful and moving song comes on the radio. I think to myself.. that would be a perfect song to play at Worker #1's funeral.
And as songs often make me do.. I begin to cry. (I'm a sucker for songs!)
Or... I'll see a train go by and think.... I'll never be able to see a train and not cry if/when Worker #3 dies.
Or... I refuse to erase the voicemail that Worker #3 left on my cell phone, because he is gone on a camping trip and what if something happens on the drive home and it's the last time I'll get to hear his voice.?
Or.. I'll be angry while picking up the 4000 air soft gun pellets on the back porch and think to myself... How will I pick all of these up and not sob if/when something happens to Worker #2?
Or... I'll never be able to listen to this song after worker #4 dies... it is his favorite.
I know exactly what dearly-loved personal items I'll put in their caskets when/if the need arises.
I know who I would call first, and who I would want to avoid during those difficult times.
I know that most parents have that fear of "What If's" every now and then.
But I have a plan!
I know what I will do if/when something happens to one of my children!
No... these fears/thoughts do not affect my daily life,
I am not obsessed with these fears..
but somewhere in the background these thoughts are always there lurking.
They do not overshadow joy in my life.
I do not walk around depressed thinking these terrible thoughts...
But they are there.
Now.. before you run away with the fact that once and for all I have proven the theory that I am a Complete and Total Nut Case... Let me explain why I think I am this way.
I was born the second of four children.
When I was 9 my baby brother died from a heart defect.
When I was 14 my Big brother was hit by a car and killed.
It's just My little sister and me now.
My mother has lost 50% of her children!!
(I still have no idea how she even functions through the heartache.. little lone went on to be one of the strongest most amazing women on Earth!.. she truly is my hero.. but thats another story for another time)
I know It's a harsh reality, that children die.
It's not fair.
I don't understand.
But ..... they do.
That is my reality...
That has been my life.
I have 5 beautiful ,healthy children.
I guess in a way I almost feel as if I am tempting fate, like there is no way I can be lucky enough to reach old age and not be touched by the deep sorrow of losing one of them.
The odds seem (based on the reality of my life) stacked against me.
If for no other reason than I have so many for God to choose from to call to heaven.
I tried to explain this to Marlene....
When she was pregnant with her children she was deeply worried about Downs Syndrome.
Sure, I worried about it a little bit, as all pregnant women do... but not much.
But she has a sister with Downs..... Thus.... Based on her reality... this was a major concern for her.
I guess in my own way, I am trying to prepare myself for something that, based on my experiences, can & does happen.
Like that would help at all....
So.... whatcha think?
Or a justifiable response?
((gee.... just think of all the $$ I just saved for therapy! This blog thing is paying off! ;) )
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