Aug 1, 2008

Motherly or Morbid?

Time to let you a little deeper into my warped psyche.

I am a little bit of a worrier....
Well, not really a worrier.. but I tend to over-think some issues that others may find kinda morbid.
Ohhh my "Issues" I have "issues".

Anyway.
I was talking to my BFF Marlene and she said I am morbid and maybe even a little bit sick.
(but she loves me anyway.. whew!)

I talked to my sister-in-law and her Super-Geek hubby and they said I am plain ole warped and they were shocked that The Man-of-My-Dreams hasn't started to drink heavily!
**sigh**
... here goes....

I'll give you a few examples then my personal psychiatric evaluation and you tell me what you think.

I'm driving in the car. A beautiful and moving song comes on the radio. I think to myself.. that would be a perfect song to play at Worker #1's funeral.
And as songs often make me do.. I begin to cry. (I'm a sucker for songs!)

Or... I'll see a train go by and think.... I'll never be able to see a train and not cry if/when Worker #3 dies.

Or... I refuse to erase the voicemail that Worker #3 left on my cell phone, because he is gone on a camping trip and what if something happens on the drive home and it's the last time I'll get to hear his voice.?

Or.. I'll be angry while picking up the 4000 air soft gun pellets on the back porch and think to myself... How will I pick all of these up and not sob if/when something happens to Worker #2?

Or... I'll never be able to listen to this song after worker #4 dies... it is his favorite.

I know exactly what dearly-loved personal items I'll put in their caskets when/if the need arises.

I know who I would call first, and who I would want to avoid during those difficult times.


I know that most parents have that fear of "What If's" every now and then.

But I have a plan!
I know what I will do if/when something happens to one of my children!

No... these fears/thoughts do not affect my daily life,
I am not obsessed with these fears..
but somewhere in the background these thoughts are always there lurking.

They do not overshadow joy in my life.
I do not walk around depressed thinking these terrible thoughts...
But they are there.

Now.. before you run away with the fact that once and for all I have proven the theory that I am a Complete and Total Nut Case... Let me explain why I think I am this way.

I was born the second of four children.
When I was 9 my baby brother died from a heart defect.
When I was 14 my Big brother was hit by a car and killed.
It's just My little sister and me now.

My mother has lost 50% of her children!!
(I still have no idea how she even functions through the heartache.. little lone went on to be one of the strongest most amazing women on Earth!.. she truly is my hero.. but thats another story for another time)

I know It's a harsh reality, that children die.
They shouldn't.
It's not fair.
I don't understand.
But ..... they do.

That is my reality...
That has been my life.

I have 5 beautiful ,healthy children.
I guess in a way I almost feel as if I am tempting fate, like there is no way I can be lucky enough to reach old age and not be touched by the deep sorrow of losing one of them.

The odds seem (based on the reality of my life) stacked against me.
If for no other reason than I have so many for God to choose from to call to heaven.

I tried to explain this to Marlene....
When she was pregnant with her children she was deeply worried about Downs Syndrome.
Sure, I worried about it a little bit, as all pregnant women do... but not much.
But she has a sister with Downs..... Thus.... Based on her reality... this was a major concern for her.

I guess in my own way, I am trying to prepare myself for something that, based on my experiences, can & does happen.
Like that would help at all....

So.... whatcha think?
certifiable?
Or a justifiable response?
Or.. ?

((gee.... just think of all the $$ I just saved for therapy! This blog thing is paying off! ;) )
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6 amazing comments. Talk To Me!!:

Bethany said...

You're not morbid. But should you trust your younger sister when she makes that statement?

I have the same kind of thoughts, though more about what would happen if I died. Like if I lost control and drove into the ditch on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. If the elevator suddenly plummets from the 50th floor to the 1st. If I got cancer, but they didn't find it until it was too late. What would happen to mom and to you guys?

Well, mom has vowed NOT to live through another child's death, so I guess - what would happen to you guys?

I remember when we found out that worker #3 had a heart murmur. The doctor said everything was fine, that it'd grow together and not be an issue. But to us, it was Ryan all over again and THAT was almost too much to handle.

...So could you get the kids off the four-wheelers, go-carts, mountain cliffs, and from within gun range? If we freak that badly over a heart murmur...

- your equally morbid, little sister

PS - but it's still okay to want to murder them every so often, right? like when worker #1 won't stop mugging with his gf, or when worker #2 tries to kill himself by totalling a four-wheeler? or when worker #3 proves that he IS smarter than the rest of us? THAT'S okay, right? :o)

dykewife said...

you're nuts, but you're not crazy.

each of us base our lives and actions on our experiences. yours involve the loss of siblings so it's natural (at least from my point of view) that you would try and prepare lest you lose any of your childen.

i gave one up for adoption, therefore my biggest fear throughout boy's life was that he would be taken away. that fear has, thankfully, allayed itself. he's very nearly the age of majority now. he already knows he doesn't have to ever move out if that doesn't suit his needs. :)

does that help any?

uummm said...

Justified...

But thanks, now you have planted that seed in my head and I will be thinking those things now too.

Jenn said...

I think some think about that stuff more, I always tend to say thingsbecause they are fact and I think with my head and my hubby will get mad I say them because he is using his heart and doesn't like to hear me say such things. However I tell him well these things happen all the time and so I'm not crazy. I tend to always think about all the things that can happen instead of just the good things people want to have happen.I'm sure some people think I'm nuts but to me I'm real and don't live in lala land where everything is rainbows and sunshine!

Anonymous said...

I love your Honesty.

And... maybe you really do need some therapy?
I say that out of love and concern for my favorite blogger.

These feelings seem kinda unhealthy to me.

Tami

Anonymous said...

I don't know that you are much different than a lot of people. I don't think along the same lines that you do regarding the details, but I certainly fear outliving any of my children. I don't think I could handle that. But my mother had 10 kids and there are only 8 of us left. One died as an infant and we lost my brother, at age 52, four years ago. Margie

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