Confession.... My Time Spent In Jail.

Yep, I was in jail.

For real jail!
The BIG HOUSE...
The Pokie...
The Slammer...

Black sticky ink smudged on all of your fingertips from the finger-printing...
Metal bed hanging on the green metal wall...
Sink/camode combo thingie sitting in the middle of the cell for everyone to see...
Mugshot of me with raccoon eyes from tear-smeared make-up...
Handcuff marks on my wrists....
Begging for my one phone call....

THAT kind of jail!!

This unfortunate chapter in my life happened when I was 18, so I figure the statute of limitations has kicked in and I can share the ugly details with you without too many negative repercussions.

It all started with.. MY MOTHER!

My mother, during this particular time, was unable to start her day without her perfectly toasted Pepperidge Farms cinnamon-raisin swirl bread coated with the thinnest veneer of fat-free margarine.
There was only one store in our small city that carried Pepperidge Farms bread, and it was way on the other side of town.
So whenever she ran out, I was sent to pick it up.
I was fine with this, because it meant I got to cruise up and down Palmer Highway two times.

Palmer Highway was the main drag in our town.
Everyone who was anyone cruised Palmer Highway.

On this particular day Mom was, once again, out of her beloved Pepperidge Farms cinnamon-raisin swirl bread, milk, and small curd cottage cheese.
So I, being the wonderful and helpful daughter that I am, obediently went to the Kroger's grocery store across town to fetch these much-needed items.

At this point in history, fashion-wise, everyone carried obscenely large straw purse/bag thingies.
The one I carried at the time was much like the one above, but it was woven with rainbow stripes.

This trip to the store was like most trips to the store.
I gathered my items and went to wait in the unusually long express lane.
I was balancing a gallon of milk, a large container of small-curd cottage cheese and the precious loaf of Pepperidge Farms cinnamon-raisin swirl bread.

I waited... the person in line in front of me was taking forever! and of course the checker had to do a price check and the milk carton was slipping!

So, I did what many other people would do. I set the large container of small-curd cottage cheese in the top of my purse.

Now... these straw purse/bag things do not zip closed.
They just hang there open, and the cottage cheese was sitting on the top of my bag... hanging out by at least 4 inches as I continued to wait in line to pay for my goods.
When a man came up to me and asked me to follow him.
I asked why and he called the security guard over too!

Up to the tiny office we went.
I wasn't even sure why I was going there.
To make an even longer story shorter, they were accusing me of stealing cottage cheese???

I was standing in line!
I had the money to pay for it!
I didn't hide the cottage cheese!
I didn't try to leave the store!
I was just saving my freezing hand!

Police were called, handcuffs were involved, as was nice trip "downtown" in the back of a police car.
Fingerprints and mugshots followed, and the crescendo of the event was the slamming of the metal bar doors to my 4x6 foot cell.

Of course my mother was not home OR answering her cell phone when I called her for my lone phone call.
I ended up having to call some guy who I had a first date scheduled with that night to come bail me out.

Oh! on a side-note... did you know that they serve you McDonald's for lunch in the Big House?
Yep, they gave me McDonald's burgers and fries while I did my time.

4 hours later,
Bail was paid,
Doors were unlocked,
Personal belongings were returned,
and I was free.

The following days included dropped charges,
a letter of apology from Krogers and the security company who handles their criminals.
And things went back to normal.

I went on my date.
My mother felt horrible for not answering the phone.
And she has her Pepperidge Farms cinnamon-raisin swirl bread.

But..
To this day, I have never returned to that Krogers store.

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Question and a Plea to those who don't have children.

I know that there are lots of people out there who do not have kids.
Some of these people don't have kids because they chose not to.
Some of these people don't have kids because, for one reason or another, they cannot.

To those who can't have children, for whatever the reason but cannot, I'm sorry.
To those who don't have children because they chose not to, good for you for knowing what you want and making the right choice for you.

That being said...
I have one question for you.

Why do you feel the need to buy things for other peoples children that have- sirens, lights, whistles, no volume control, music, never-dying batteries, buzzers, roaring sounds, screeching tires, never-ending crying mechanical voice boxes, loud horns, clickity-clackity wheels, and just down-right annoying qualities?

I understand that our children may enjoy these hideous toys.
They love you for them.
We love you for loving our children.

But.... Are you aware of the fact that it is the presence of these obnoxious toys in our lives that makes parents all over the world turn prematurely gray?

They are the primary reason that hundreds if not thousands of mothers all over the world need BOTOX injections to hide the deep furrow lines in their foreheads!

I have a sneaking suspicion that these toys are a big part of the reason that there is so much alcohol and sedative abuse in this world.
How else do you people expect us to live with these awful loud toys in our lives?!?!

So, in an effort to restore the mental health for the people in this world who do indeed have children, I'm begging you...

The next time you are invited to little Billies 5th birthday party,
This Christmas when you are shopping for that perfect present for your niece Olive.
Or any other time you find yourself in the giving mood for someone else's child...

Please PLEASE buy them a nice quiet Book, or Teddy Bear!!
PLEASE!!!

This message has been a public service announcement brought to you by the
Mommy-Is-Hanging-By-A-Thread Foundation.

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Yep.. I used to be cool.

Several people asked for this story to be told in it's entirety.... so here ya go!

This is a little-known fact. I used to be cool!
I was sitting around talking to workers #1 - #3 the other day, and they love hearing stories about me when I was their age, And I enjoy telling them stories to make them understand that I once was just like them.

I've shared all my High School experiences...
Like the time I fell into the BIG gray trash can during lunch...
Or the time my gym shorts fell off when I was doing a pull-up...
I even told them all of the gory details of the time I threw up on the shoes of the most dreamy popular boy in my class!...
I didn't leave out the time I got locked in the bathroom stall and the big janitor had to come take the door off either...
And that horrific day I sneezed in class and boogers flew out all over the poor girl sitting in front of me...

Ok.... none of those stories would be classified under "Cool Moments" in high school... But I wanted them to know that their perfect mother also used to have flaws.

This time I was telling my lovely short people about my crowning "Cool Girl" moment.
One of those moments that make me week in the knees to this day...

After I got out of high school I was working at a country western club in Houston called Johnny B Dalton's, I LOVED being a waitress there. I loved working with people.. I loved flirting with the cute cowboys... I loved the music... it was a great time in life.
Johnny B Dalton's was a very popular place. It was the place to BE. and I was one of their top waitresses.

One night, when I got to work, the large V.I.P table in my section was roped off and a big RESERVED sign was on the table.
This was a good thing... V.I.P's were usually big tippers.
When my special party arrived I was shocked to find out that it was none other than John Travolta and his crew!! (insert swoon here)
John Travolta!!!
THE Urban Cowboy!!!
Danny Zuko from GREASE!!!
The Super-Cool Tony from Saturday Night Fever!!
Vinnie Barbarino from Welcome Back Kotter!
THAT John Travolta!!! and I was gonna be his waitress!!!!!

Of course one of the things that makes a good V.I.P waitress a good V.I.P waitress is the fact that she can retain her composure around the V.I.P no matter how dreamy-cute she thinks he is.

They were a pretty good group of guys. I took their order and made sure their glasses were full and their table was clean at all times, I was attentive... but didn't hover.
I quickly realized that John (yeah.. I call him John) had a sense of humor, you see, I was a little bit obsessive compulsive as a cocktail waitress. every drink had to have a bev-nap or coaster under it. The ash tray must never ever have more than 2 butts in it. No empty glasses/bottles were to stay on the table. I was a good waitress. Every so often I'd have to replace the coasters under their glasses as they got wet, Every time I came to the table everyone's glass/bottle was sitting prettily on it's coaster... everyone's EXCEPT Johns. As I cleaned the table I'd stick a fresh coaster under his glass..... then turn around and there his glass would be sitting right beside the coaster!
After the 178th time I put a new coaster under his glass I looked up and saw that he was smiling... I died a thousand deaths when he smiled at me, my knees went weak, But I held my own...
"Am I gonna have trouble with you all night?" I asked with a smile.
"Who? Me?" he asked (yeppers! John freakin Travolta was talkin to ME!!)
I gave him a laugh and went about my business.
This went on for awhile... I'd replace his coaster and he would quickly set his drink right beside it.... I'd scold him for being a trouble maker and he would just laugh. We were playing a game! I was playing a game with John Travolta!!
Then when I was replacing the ever-loving coaster yet again John leaned over to my ear said...
"Wanna dance with me?" John Travolta asked ME to dance!!
"Nope... sorry I'm working, can't dance... besides, who would keep a coaster under your glass if I was on the dance-floor?" I smiled.
He was a little shocked.. I mean how many girls tell John Travolta that they don't want to dance with him?!?!?
I just kept on taking care of my tables and refreshing coasters.....
About 30 minutes later My manager came over to me and told me he wanted to see me in his office NOW! uh-oh.... I went into his office... "Dana, You are one of our best waitresses, but tonight I have gotten numerous complaints from your customers. I can't have unhappy customers around here... I'm gonna have to let you go"

Let me go? I had never ever been fired from ANY job, little-lone one that I KNEW I was great at! He was gonna fire me?!?! I didn't even know what I had done wrong!!! I tried to press him for more information.. He just told me to leave and said he didn't want to talk to me about it anymore. I was in shock! I was upset, I gathered my things, cashed out my till and started to leave the managers office.
As I opened the door to leave I ran smack into John.
He was smiling.... "There, he said, Now we can dance!" He set the whole thing up!! John Travolta got me fired so he could dance with me!!! How cool was THAT?!?!?
We danced and danced that night... They treated me just like I belonged in their super-exclusive club, I sat at their table, I laughed at their jokes, They asked me questions getting to know me.... I felt very at ease...
Oh and By The Way... That man CAN dance!! He was a perfect gentleman... he was funny.. he was sweet.. I had a blast!!!

At the end of the night he walked me to my car and kissed my cheek. "Thanks for a fun evening Dana," he said (yeah... he calls me Dana) I think I floated all the way home.
I never ran into John again, but Boy Oh Boy did he give me a sweet memory!!
And he DID leave me a great tip!
Oh and don't worry, I went back to work the next night.

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I Love.... (confession)

I feel it it time to let you know another deep dark dorky secret about me.

When I was a young girl, my friends were all in love with teen heart-throbs.

You know... the pretty boys from TV and all the magazines.
Guys like; David Cassidy, John Schneider, Shaun Cassidy, John Travolta (I have my own story about him, but it took place much later in life) , Donny Osmond etc...

Me? not so much.
I was in love with another singing super-star.
And to tell you the truth.. I still kinda am.

My poor mother stood in line for over 11 hours to get me tickets to see him in concert when he came to town.
As I sat in the crowd, I noticed I was the only girl there under the age of 40.
I didn't care!
I sat there memorized looking at nothing on stage but a single perfect white piano.
I knew he would be there soon.
When he finally appeared on stage, I began to weep.

It was not the pretty tear rolling down the cheek kinda weep...
It was the snorting, sniffling, snot-flinging, whaling, kinda weep.
It wasn't cute.
There was even a reporter from the Akron Beacon Journal newspaper sitting beside me scribbling on his little notepad...
The next day the headline said....

He Writes the Songs the Make the Young Girls Cry...
Thank God he didn't get a picture with it!

I was gonna marry him.
I was gonna have his babies.
**sigh** it wasn't meant to be.

I love...
Barry Manilow!

My Stud-Muffin

Barry, If you read this..... Call Me!!!!!
I know you just had your hip replaced...
I'd make a GREAT nurse!!! really! I would!
Just don't tell the Man-of-My-Dreams ok?

Oh Come on!!
You can't tell me that hearing him sing Copa-Cabana doesn't make your hips swing!

Don't worry... I redeemed myself with the next "cool" concert when I saw Rick Springfield.
(but he didn't make me cry!)

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Another Confession......

I told you before about my status as Kitchen Gadget Queen.
Well.... it doesn't stop with gadgets.
I have another little quirk.
I love "special" cups, mugs, etc...
I have a few that I use to drink out of every single day.

One for my Diet Coke.
One for water.
A special mug for my coffee.
and a few other special ones.
well.. more than a few....
I have so many coffee cups that my children have threatened to move out if I dont get rid of some.

well.. today I got a new favorite cup!!

Look at THIS!!!

It's the Alice Cup from Max Brenner.

(Alice, from Alice in Wonderland)

Here it is filled with my Chi Tea.

I love the simple lines.
I love the stainless steel straw.
Whats not to love about this cup??

Want a sip?

I have a new recipe for a Frozen Hot Chocolate that looks to DIE FOR!!
That's what this cup is for....
I'll try it out then post it here.

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My Secret From The Past...

They say confession is good for the soul.

I feel that y'all know me well enough now that I can share something with you.

Something that I have told very very few people.

I can only hope that you'll understand.

Many Many years ago I fell in love.

Before my first marriage to "B", before my children, before I was even a bonafide adult.

I fell hard for "Chub" (don't ya just love the silly nick-names that true loves make you come up with?).

Chub came into my life at a time I was innocent. I was wanting to explore the world, I lived with reckless abandon, I didn't care about tomorrow, Heck.. most of the time I didn't even care about today!

He was so sweet.

When I was down, Chub made me feel better.

When I cried, Chub was there to comfort me.

When I celebrated, I celebrated with Chub.

The more time I spent with Chub the more I felt my love grow.

I didn't tell anyone about Chub. I wanted to be the only one to know.. My little secret love.

I started spending more and more time with Chub.
Soon we were together every night. Sometimes we would even get together during the day!

Chub was everything a girl could ask for.

So I thought...

As time went on I began to realize that our relationship was not as perfect as it appeared.

Chub could be very cold.

I would turn to Chub when I had a problem and, altho he made me feel better, it was always a temporary quick fix.

Chub never really solved any of my problems.

Chub never even offered ideas for solutions.

I didn't like the person I was becoming when I was around Chub, I became very jealous. I didn't want anyone else to know about Chub. I would not share.

When I would go to the places he should have been hanging out or just chillin and I could not find him, I would fly into a rage.

My relationship with chub was quickly becoming unhealthy.

So
I ended it.

I said good-bye to Chub.

I was sad, but life moved on...

I married "B", I became a mother.

There was still a part of me that longed for my first true love, but I dealt with it.

Then one day out of the blue I saw him. My excitement took me by surprise!

I wanted nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go.

So... I went to him and we had a little fling.

He was as sweet and wonderful as I remembered.

When I was with him I felt complete. I felt happy, I had my Chub back!!

But then I realized that Chub was getting way too clingy. He wanted nothing more than to grab onto my body and never let go. It was not good.
I was tired of sneaking around, I was tired of being with Chub only in the dark of night because of the fear that someone would find out that we were together again.

I ended it once more.

After a few years I never even bumped into him anymore. I would go to the places where Chub always hung out and waited for me and he was no longer there.

It's been over 6 years since I even saw Chub.

I am in love with The-Man-of-My-Dreams.

I am happy.

I am complete.

Chub never even crosses my mind.

Then this morning it happened.

I went to the grocery store. And guess who I bumped into?

Yep, Chub!

Chub looks the same as I remember.

I am ashamed to admit it, but I brought Chub back home to our house.

The-Man-of-My-Dreams is working out of town.

I am lonely.

I am sad from missing him.

Is it so wrong to find comfort with an old love?

What harm can one simple night together really cause?

No one needs to know.

No one needs to tell The-Man-of-My-Dreams.

When we got home I could not resist.

Oh you just have no idea how wonderful it was...

When my lips touched Chub it was as sweet as I remember.

I felt the love that I had turned my back on so long ago.

I am excited. And a little bit ashamed.

I should NOT be doing this.

Please help me have strength.

Help me resist this burning desire I have to jump in and enjoy this guilty pleasure.

Just once more. Just one more time.... it cant be THAT bad .... can it?

I snapped a picture of Chub so I can have something to remember.

Because I know I cannot start meeting Chub again.

This has to be a one time only deal.

Just once.

Look at how wonderful Chub is below....

And tell me honestly.... could YOU resist him?

(Who can resist fudge covered, peanut butter filled pretzles, in silky smooth ice cream, blended with thick chocolate fudge & peanut butter swirls? Not Me!!)

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Irrational Fears

I know I seem to be a perfectly rational person.
I know I seem brave and wise. (did you know the "D" key is right next to the "S" key? Thank Goodness I saw that before I pushed the publish button... well I guess we all already know I am wide too so never-mind. it made me giggle anyway)
I may seem sure of myself , calm, cool, & collected.

But I have a few Irrational Fears.....
Help me dive into my psyche and lets see if we can diagnose my disorders here and save me gobs of money from going to a psychiatrist shall we?

Irrational Fear #1
Hitting a deer while driving.

This doesn't sound too irrational, I know. But... I just know this will happen someday and he will fly up into my windshield and one of two things will happen.

A.) His legs will come through the windshield, he'll be dazed as the dust from the accident settles..... Then, without warning he will wake up and begin to kick wildly in fear and bludgeon me to death with his hooves, and there will be nothing I can do about it because I am also dazed sitting in my car.

B.) He will come head first into the car... and his sharp antler will poke me in the neck.... I'll sit there kinda shocked to be alive, but ok, other than the small hole in my neck until... just like in the first scenario, he will wake and thrash around, thus ripping the little hole bigger and killing me.

Neither of these things are likely to happen to me. Yet I find these thoughts in my head each time I drive at night... or anywhere there might be deer. No.. this fear do not stop me from driving.... This fear does not affect me much at all... but it's always there.... Its always been there.... and I'm sure it will be there till the day I actually do die. Now... will it be a death caused by deer? THAT is the question.
My mother swears that I have this fear because she hit a deer or my Father hit a deer, or someone hit a deer on the drive to the hospital the day I was born.... I just don't know.

Irrational Fear #2
Moths are coming to look at me.

They always have.....
Even as a child these pesky moths would come to my window and flap around hysterically then just sit there on my window screen for hours watching me....
They are watching me.... I just know they are.. It freaks me out man..... It just freaks me out.
I know moths are harmless...
I know they can do nothing to hurt me....
But come'on!!! Can't they pick on someone else for a change???

Whew... I feel so much better telling you my deepest darkest secret fears...
Now you tell me.....
Whats My Problem?!?!?
Or am I just a hopeless scared freak?
Please figure it out before they get me! If you can't figure it out, at least you can feel better about yourself knowing that you are NOT me!

Thanks. ;)

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Confessions of a Kitchen Gadget Junkie.

My name is Dana.... I'm a kitchen gadget junkie. Let me introduce you to a few of my bestest friends.

Mr. Coffee Cocomotion Hot Chocolate Maker

I adore my Cocomation. I make lots of Hot Chocolate Mix every year to send outside with the poor freezing young-men-folk. I don't care if you make your hot chocolate with skim milk (bleck) or water (double-bleck) or not... This will make it creamy! I'm telling you it's true!!!

All you do is pour in your water. (or milk.. or Half & Half) Dump in your mix. And turn this baby on. a little twirly-thingie in the center creates a really cool whirlpool and it spins & spins and whips air into your cocoa..... here is the kicker.... It brings your cold beverage to the PERFECT HOT temperature, then turns itself off!! It's a no-brainer!! (I like no-brainers.... my poor little brain has enough to confuse it all by itself)

Saladacco Spiral Slicer

This incredible gadget has made my father-in-law green with envy (he is also a kitchen gadget junkie and he doesn't have one!!!)

I'm sure you've seen slicers before... But this one is different!! It can turn just about any veggie into the thinnest angel-hair-like loooong shreds you've ever seen. I have never ever seen one that makes shreds this long.. or even half as thin!

It was made for those who follow the "raw diet" they use it to make angel-hair "pasta" from carrots, yams, any other solid veggie.

I use it to make the Worlds BEST hash-browns!! I tell ya.... this thing is also a money saver. You can make one good sized potato stretch out to make enough hash-browns for a family of four!! seriously!!!

I use this thing a LOT!

With one turn of the blade it turns into a ribbon cutter.... yummmmm!! Those fried potato ribbons you ate at the State Fair?? Make em for pennies!!!! I was playing one day and actually made one radish turn into a continuous 3 foot long strip!! It's too cool!!!

Vegetable Chop & Measure

I use a lot of onions.... I mean a LOT of onions... Onions make anything better! (My family says that I;d put onions in chocolate pudding if I could get away with it) I really REALLY like onions! This little gadget makes my life soooo much easier!!


Cut your onions in half.. set it on this thing... press the top down... POOF perfect small diced onions!! No more big chunks..... No more tears! its perfect!


It also works well with eggs for egg salad.... green peppers..... not so good for tomatoes... kinda schmooshes em too much.


I use this every single day!


Here are some links for these wonderful kitchen gadgets...

I do not work for any of these companies. and I'm sure you can find em yourself from other retailers by googling it.

Yooo hoooooo retailers.... I'm giving you a plug.....

Do you see this???

Send me more gadgets!!

Please??

Pretty please???

With sugar on top??

I'm sick... I know.... Just sick....

Its an addiction......

**sigh**

Must find more kitchen gadgets!

Mr. Coffee Cocomotion Hot Chocolate Maker

Saladacco Spiral Slicer

Vegetable Chop & Measure

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I'm becoming one of THOSE people!!!

When I lived in the BIG city, People like this used to give me many

opportunities to point my finger and giggle.

(on more than one occasion I blew Starbucks coffee out my nose as they walked by)

I used to wonder if people like this had lives.

I thought people like this needed therapy.

I thought surly people like this didn't have children.

But it is true....

I have become one of THOSE People!!

My name is Dana, and I put clothes on my dog.

(hanging my head in shame, putting on my floppy hat and dark glasses when we go out so no one knows who I am)

Otis the Killer Boston Terrier Puppy does not like the cold.

He is supposed to be our mighty protector and he is a little shivering, pouting, pitiful excuse for a dog when it's under 75 degrees outside!

What else was I gonna do?

I mean I DO have to take care of the cute little thing.

But this is ridiculous.

It's down right embarrassing when we walk out to say hi to the Great Danes and they fall over laughing at Otis.

It's just not right... We live in TEXAS for cryin out loud! It does not get cold as far as cold goes. Yes, it does get chilly.. but God Gave Otis a fur coat!! I don't have a fur coat! and the little stinker still needs a cute green sweater?? (he also has a big fluffy coat, but dont tell anyone cause I'll deny it till I die!)

What have I become?

I just KNOW they are gonna revoke my membership to the Tough Texas Farm Mom Club!

Then where will I be? (Next thing you know I'll have fake nails, full war paint to go anywhere, and buy my undies at Victoria's Secret, say things like Dah-ling, and play tennis with Muffy & Buffy while wearing my pearls!! HELP ME!!!)

He is amazingly cute tho isn't he??

(I did NOT just say that!!)

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My name is Dana.... I'm a Blog-a-Holic

Some brilliant person digging somewhere didn't call ahead and find out where the phone lines were underground. Soooo I am without DSL (well, without Internet connection of any kind most of the time, I can get a dial-up connection off and on right now).

Well.. instead of being a nice person and feeling sorry for the poor guy who got into trouble for digging, or feeling sorry for all the work the phone company workers are having to do to fix this problem..

I am stomping my feet, whining, and even crying because I cannot get online and stay there for more than two min!!! (I thought I was a nice person.. but I'm thinking nope.. I was wrong about myself.. I am NOT THAT nice!)


This may just be the only way for me to finish my painting tho....
I may even be able to get ready for the big Thanksgiving dinner for 25+ people if I can't get online.

But rest assured....
I am NOT happy about it!!

I'll be back..... I hope...
**sigh**

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My secret weapon

I have never gonna say I am a great homemaker (hey I'm working on it!). My house is often a clutter-on-every-horizontal-surface kinda place. (who am I trying to kid.. it's ALWAYS a clutter-on-every-horizontal-surface kinda place!). I don't dust nearly enough. Mt Laundry often gets away from me.

TIP#1 = Never ever turn off your ceiling fans and no one will know they look like they are wearing fur coats! (my power went off the other day... and I saw them for myself. Oh my!)

TIP #2 = If someone comments on your impressive dust, just tell them that it is your thrifty idea to protect the patina on your antiques! (I am sooo smart! or pathetic... But I like to think its clever and smart.).

Anyway... my point, (yes, I do occasionally have one.) On those rare occasions that I feel the urge to clean and do all the needed housekeeping things I do have a secret weapon... My Apron!

An Apron?? You ask.. Yes, My apron, I answer. Before you click away and decide I have finally lost my ever-loving mind... listen to why...

#1 - I am a messy cook. I wipe my hands on my pants, skirt, shorts, undies (whatever is on my hips at the time.). My apron makes it ok. Now, don't get me wrong, I am SOOO not the 50's cliche June Cleaver-type wearing my best dress and pearls while I clean. Far from it! (I'm lucky if I remember to brush my hair little-lone have full war-paint perfectly applied!)

#2 - I actually get more done when I am wearing my apron. I really do! I don't flop down on the couch and veg out watching Dora The Explorer with The Little-Foreman-In-Pink. I keep busy. Now, I know this may be because I am simple-minded and just need a uniform to complete any task.. but it works for me.. it really does! (My hubby would be happier if I wore it a little more often... this place might be dustless once before we die!)

#3 - This one is going to be hard to believe.... I warned you. Someone needs to alert the media and do a scientific study as to why... But... My kids listen better when I have on my apron. Maybe it's because they know I am serious and mean business with whatever I am doing when I have my apron on.

Maybe it's because my apron makes me look more "Mom'ish" I don't know. But it is true.
Maybe it's because they want me to get done with whatever I am doing even if it means they have to help just in case their friends stop by, maybe then I'll be apron-less for them. (because you know I do it just to embarrass them! that's my sole purpose in life, ask em... they'll tell ya!.)

When my family and I did the Wife Swap TV show, that was one of the first things I did when it was my time to make the "rules" I wore my apron and got some for their girls to wear too!

I have several aprons.

Plain Aprons

Fancy Aprons

Frilly Aprons

Denim Aprons

Apron Sets (for myself and The Little-Foreman-in-Pink)

I have a garden apron

and even a matching bucket apron for gardening.

I use my aprons for cooking , cleaning, gardening, working outside (have held more than one hatching chick in a deep apron pocket), I can carry several missed-the-first-time cucumbers & peppers & tomatoes in my apron pocket. Or I can bring in the whole crop by holding the bottom up hammock-style!

I have wiped dirt from noses, blood from skinned knees, even snotty noses of the young ones around here with my apron! It's a really useful tool!

And did I mention you can hide a pretty impressive fat roll with the correct apron!?

That's reason enough for me!

I am not the only one who is fond of the apron... I found a few poems about them too.

And if its good enough for people to write poetry about, it's gotta be a good thing!

Aprons used to be commonplace, because they are useful! Get yourself a good full apron and see if it works for you as good as it works for me!!

I double-dog-dare you!

Some of my everyday aprons

(please don;t look at the messy bedroom! I may need to put an apron on and get it cleaned!)

This one is my favorite everyday apron. It looks like a quilt!

My Bucket Apron stuffed with several other aprons.

(I also had a matching garden apron made to go with it, but its in the washing machine)

One of Our matching "Mommy & Me" sets.

This one is my favorite half apron.

(I just love the detail on the edges!)

Apron Poems

Grandma's Apron

I can still see grandma's apron

she wore most everyday. At night time it was folded and,
on the foot of her bed it lay.
She wore it to protect her dresses,

from all her daily chores.

While washing all the dishes and scrubbing all the floors.
The memory of all her aprons are with us day to day.

With their many faded spots Where she dried our tears away.
Some are torn and tattered from many years of wear.

Showing we will always have her precious love and care.
The colors in the rainbow aren't really from the storm.

They're just our grandma's aprons through her years,

"were proudly worn."

author = Ruth Stuart.

------------------------------------------------

Grandma's Apron

The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,

but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven;
it was wonderful for drying children's tears,

and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks,

and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came those old aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids;

and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,

bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling-wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden it carried all sorts of vegetables.

After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls.
In the fall it was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road,

it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out on the porch and waved her apron,
and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields for dinner.
It will be a long time before anyone invents something that

will replace that old-time apron that served so many purposes.

Author of poem unknown

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Redneck Fire Pit/Fire Love

I have always loved campfires. Well..... I love fire in general. (yes, I DID use the "L" word ! My Rant about the "L" word CLEARLY said this was ok! )
When we first moved out here I was known as the "fire-Lady" to everyone in our area, because I had a fire going every day & every night. I have been called a pyromaniac, I wouldn't go THAT far! But, if given the choice between fire & diamonds.... I'd choose fire. Heck... Given the choice between fire and most things.. Fire would win. I mean... it smells good... It sounds good, snap, crackle, its more entertaining than any TV (I could sit and watch a fire for hours and not get bored!), it can keep you warm on a chilly night, It doesn't care if you are ugly/dirty/fat/pretty, its a great stress reliever, It cooks for you, and it cleans my yard by burning waste.... wait a min.... Maybe I DO have a problem! It almost sounds as good as the Man-Of-My-Dreams. Maybe I do need to find a 12-step program.)

Lately I have been interested in seeing what other people used to contain their fires. I have searched for pictures of home-made fire pits. I found lots of interesting ideas. But most are really expensive, really fancy, rather small decorative fire pits.

I have been told ours is a Red-Neck fire-pit. Because it's BIG, it's functional, and it's made out of something most people would throw away, & It's UGLY...

It's made out of an old bathtub!

As far as I'm concerned, an old bathtub makes the perfect fire pit.

1.) get an old bathtub.

2.) bury it in the ground.

3.)fill it with fire-makin stuff.

(it helps to have your young-men-folk, or in my case, workers #1 - #4 to go out into the woods and collect felled trees, sticks, etc, For you.)

4.) Burn the stuff inside the tub!

How easy is that?

(The adorable Boston Terrier Puppy "Otis" isn't a requirement, But his cuteness helps hide the ugliness of the fire-pit!)

Once the fire burns down a little bit, Throw on some vittles!

(Or just use one of our camp-fire recipes. Yummmm)


Once it REALLY burns down (to red coals) Stick a marshmallow on a stick and roast/eat it.

Did I mention I really like fire?

Same picture using a flash on your camera.... Flash KILLS fire!! did you know that?

Ah.... Sweet, Sweet Fire....

I Love You...

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B.M.A = Bad Mothers Anonymous

I searched and searched, High & Low.. But I couldn't find a website for BMA. So I am starting one here....... I'll start.... Feel free to join BMA in the comment section at the end of this post.

1. My Name is Dana..... And I'm a Bad mother. (1. Introduce yourself, you can use an alias if its too bad!)

2. I promised my son (aka worker #3) that I would finish his quilt for his 12th birthday. It didn't get finished. I'll have it done today... (one day too late!!) (2. confess your Bad-Motherness)

3. My Son (worker #4) lost a tooth yesterday... a BIG tooth... a MOLAR... He was all excited for the tooth fairy to leave him a surprise under his pillow in return for his Big Boy Tooth.... She fell asleep and forgot!!! He was crushed. (3. keep confessing... don't worry.. it's good for the soul!)

4. My daughter (aka the little foreman in pink) wants pancakes for breakfast this morning.... I decided I'm too busy cleaning the kitchen from last-nights birthday party to make pancakes... So she got plain old toast cut up w/ syrup They are NOW called "Mommy's Special Pancakes"! (4. confess it ALL no matter HOW bad it is....!)

5. For his birthday yesterday one of the things worker #3 wanted for dinner was a salad from the Olive Garden. The Olive Garden sent 5 Andee's chocolate mints with the salad..... I ate them ALL! (I'm a BMA and getting Fatter because of it!!) (wow! I suck!)

Anybody else?
(Please let me know I am not the only Bad Mom out there!!)
The first step is admitting you have a problem....
Admit it right here, right now in the comment section at the bottom of this post.
BMA's UNITE!!! We CAN Overcome!

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Confessions of a Cookbook-a-holic

Its time for me to confess......
My Name is Dana and I'm a cookbook-a-holic.

I adore cookbooks.
new cookbooks
old cookbooks
traditional cookbooks
wacky cookbooks
specialty cookbooks
regional cookbooks
group cookbooks
cookbooks cookbooks cookbooks.....
I just really REALLLLLY Like cookbooks!

Much to my husbands dismay I have stacks and stacks & shelves & shelves of cookbooks.
I could open a cookbook library I have so many... But then I'd have to let some leave.. and I can't do that!!!

I read them like many people read their trashy Harlequin-type love novels, Once I see a new one I can't wait to open it and dive right in.
I walk into the room and they call to me. Its like a wonderful treasure hunt each time you open one.

You can travel the world in the pages of a cookbook.
You can be a time traveler in a cookbook.
You can learn about and become one with other cultures in a cookbook.
You can connect with relatives long gone in the pages of a cookbook.

I mean think about it...
I truly think that a recipe or meal can bring back more memories than a photo at times.
More than once I have gone somewhere and smelled a familiar smell.... and thought... Oooh, that smells like my Grandma Muse and her spritz cookies etc....

It can't just be me can it? I have had people come into my house and ask me what I do with all those cookbooks?!? They are like my old friends.... I could never let them go. For some reason they bring me comfort... I know that they never change.. and in this world of chemical packed, pre-packaged, fast-is-more-important-than-quality, foods it's nice to know that the "art" of cooking is alive and well within my cookbooks.

So, the next time your bored... there isn't anything on the ever-present TV , pull out your cookbook and read...... explore..... learn..... and dream.....

**sigh** music swelling in the background......

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Confessions of a Bad Bread Baker

I LOVE to cook....

I LOVE canning...

I LOVE candy making...

But Bread?? Oh My!

I have always thought of myself as fearless and daring and willing to try new things in the kitchen....

expand my horizons.... venture out of my comfort zone..

etc etc etc...

But Making bread?

For some reason the baking bread of any kind other than

a quick bread intimidated the tar out of me!

I mean..

the ingredients sound simple enough....

Water, Flour, yeast, salt... simple.

But then ya have to knead it!

KNEAD??

Too long and you mess it up...

Too short and ya mess it up..

Then ya have the Rise...

Sounds easy enough I mean just let it sit there and do its own thing...

Cool! THAT I can do!

But then you learn....

Too hot ya mess it up....

Too cold ya mess it up...

Too humid ya mess it up...

To the oven...

Too hot ya mess it up...

Not hot enough ya mess it up...

Mist it mess it up...

Don't mist it mess it up..

Oh and when your done baking it? (If you made it that far)

Cut it too soon and ....

Yep, you guessed it....

YA MESS IT UP!!!!

My Goodness!!

Why would you want to do that to yourself??

Setting yourself up for failure.

Well after years and years of hiding the shame.. I can finally say...

My Name Is Dana.... I'm a Bad Bread Maker.

Till today...

(yeah.. You didn't think I'd confess if I hadn't overcome it do ya??)

I have made a Great Loaf of bread!!!

Artisan Bread!

with a Golden Chewy Crust

Beautiful Crumb

and those cool holes all thru it

Just like from the bakery!!!

there is a secret tho...

A wonderful baker friend from HomesteadingToday.com

was kind enough to show me

the New York Times

No Knead Bread recipe!

I know, I know... No knead?

That's cheating! Well... maybe!

But I'm not gonna tell anyone!! are you??

LOOK!!

Aint it Purdy??

Recipe: No-Knead Bread
Adapted from Jim Lahey, Sullivan Street Bakery

Time: About 1½ hours plus 14 to 20 hours’ rising

3 cups all-purpose or bread flour, more for dusting

¼ teaspoon instant yeast

1¼ teaspoons saltCornmeal or wheat bran as needed.

1. In a large bowl combine flour, yeast and salt. Add 1 5/8 cups water, and stir until blended; dough will be shaggy and sticky. Cover bowl with plastic wrap. Let dough rest at least 12 hours, preferably about 18, at warm room temperature, about 70 degrees.

2. Dough is ready when its surface is dotted with bubbles. Lightly flour a work surface and place dough on it; sprinkle it with a little more flour and fold it over on itself once or twice. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let rest about 15 minutes.

3. Using just enough flour to keep dough from sticking to work surface or to your fingers, gently and quickly shape dough into a ball. Generously coat a cotton towel (not terry cloth) with flour, wheat bran or cornmeal; put dough seam side down on towel and dust with more flour, bran or cornmeal. Cover with another cotton towel and let rise for about 2 hours. When it is ready, dough will be more than double in size and will not readily spring back when poked with a finger.

4. At least a half-hour before dough is ready, heat oven to 450 degrees. Put a 6- to 8-quart heavy covered pot (cast iron, enamel, Pyrex or ceramic) in oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot from oven. Slide your hand under towel and turn dough over into pot, seam side up; it may look like a mess, but that is O.K. Shake pan once or twice if dough is unevenly distributed; it will straighten out as it bakes. Cover with lid and bake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loaf is beautifully browned. Cool on a rack.

Yield: One 1½-pound loaf.

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