Something I do NOT like. (and some help please)

I love to take pictures.
I really love to take pictures.
But...
I absolutely despise having MY picture taken!
I have tried and tried, but I have yet to find a picture of me that I really like.
That's why all my pictures of me that manage to squeak into my blog are goofy, those are ok, because they are supposed to look bad.

Today I found out that I need to submit a head shot for an ad campaign.
This fact alone was almost enough to make me back out of the whole deal...
but it's gonna be great fun! I couldn't let my hatred of all pictures of me stop me from getting this opportunity.

So, I sat down in front of my laptop and snapped several pictures.
It has become evident that I'm not the most objective person when it comes to self portraits, so I need your help!

Please help me choose the least horrifying Head Shot!
Pretty-Please?

#1.. this is my kinda shot!
And I'll use something like this if they want a head shot with my personality.

#2.. Not too bad... but maybe too serious?

#3... How I feel about taking self portraits.

#4.

#5.. I'm kinda leaning towards this one...
Maybe not... Maybe... UGH!

#6.. looking at #5 and wondering if...

#7... This is what I hate! My Double/Triple chin fat thingie.

#8... how I feel after taking 8 self pictures.

#9.. too light? too fat?

#10... Deer in the headlights? Finger in an electrical socket?

#11.. I knew I could count on you!

I'm looking forward to your honest opinions, lay it on me! I can take it!

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Suck It Up...

"Suck it Up" is what I told him when he said he wanted to sit on the bench the rest of the game.

It was a hot, sweltering, Hell-like 100 degrees outside.

They were not having a good game,
It just wasn't their night,
There were errors, and just plain old bad luck running rampant on that baseball field,
It was the first time they were getting beat BAD this season.
It was NOT one of their funner games.

"Suck it Up" was what I told him when he told me his hand hurt when he batted.
This came after I watched him play all day with no pain what-so-ever.

"You play in in the bad games just like you do win your winning... Go Play!"

"Suck It Up" is what I told him when he said he wanted to go home.
"The game is almost over, we'll do better Monday baby.. hang in there."

"Suck It Up" is what I told him when I dropped him off at the end of the driveway when we got home and told him to bring the trash-cans down the long driveway to the house.

"It's amazing how your hand only hurts when you don't want to do something and it's fine when you are getting your way."

"Suck it Up" is what I told him 2 hours later in the ER when he couldn't pick out a cool color for his cast that was now on his Fractured Thumb!

"Suck It Up" is what I'm telling him today when he points out that if he would have been born to a Good Mother, she would have taken his pain a little more seriously.

... I suck.

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Random Questions...

• Why are the seats on bikes so darn small? Do the makers of bicycles really think only skinny-little-butt people want to feel the freedom of the wind blowing through their hair while they ride a bike? I have a big enough problem with pantie-wedgies! Do I really need a bike seat wedgie too? I'd like to set up a meeting with Lazy-Boy.. they could take their business in a whole new direction!
  

• Why can't the hair on my head grow as fast as the hair on my legs? Seriously! I wait forever for my hair to grow out so I can try a new style, but have to shave my legs every darn day because it grows so fast! (ok.. I don't shave them everyday, I usually wait until my rings get tangled in the leg-hair when I scratch my knee before I shave them. But they SHOULD be shaved daily)

• How is it possible for my children to hear the Man-of-My-Dreams and I whispering in our bedroom with the door closed when we are talking about Christmas gifts, but I have to yell their names 4 times before they hear me asking them to do empty the dishwasher?

• Why doesn't the phone ring when I remember to take it into the bathroom with me? But every time I forget it, I have to stop mid-stream and run like a penguin to answer it?!?!
  

• Why must the moths just sit there on the window screen and watch me?

• Why does morning come so freaking early?

• Why can't wheat germ taste good? and Why can't chocolate and butter and heavy cream taste bad? It's just not fair.

• Who are all these children?... and WHY are they calling me Mom???

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The Cure!!!!! (re-do)

Having a medical background, I am not one to take other peoples' medical issues lightly.

Something that I may find merely an occasional annoyance may be someone's daily torture.

For example...
Seeing someone at the pool with a third nipple may cause some people to point and laugh.
Not me! I feel for the third-nipple-haver,
I wish I could help them,
I wish I could take away all the unwanted and un-kind stares from strangers.
I wish I could bring them peace.
I would want to be their friend.

What about those poor souls who are cursed with excessive ear wax production?
They endure years of "taters in yer ears" jokes.
Kids pick on them because excessive ear wax equals cooties to school-aged children.
I just wanna scoop them up in a warm hug, dry their tears and offer them a Q-Tip.

Or...
Some people may find the topic of constipation laugh-worthy.
I, for one, know it is no laughing matter!

As a matter of fact, I have found the cure for constipation!
Thats right!! I said CURE!

I have the cure for any case of constipation right here in my little old farm house.
The cure can be found in my kitchen!
I have observed its magical powers for almost 7 years.

I have decided to share this knowledge with everyone out in Internet-Land.
Ready?

Come clean my kitchen!

You read it right.
Come clean my kitchen and even the most difficult clogs will quickly become... well... unclogged!

It never fails.
Every time I ask one of my young-men-folk to clean the kitchen, within 5 minutes they are in the restroom!
I'm not talking about a quick trip either!
They are in there for a loooong cleansing time!

Here is what I am offering...
We can work out a deal...
Bring me your clogged bowels...
I'll bring you speedy relief and get a clean kitchen to boot!

And don't worry...
I won't snicker or giggle...
I just might hug you!

Deal?

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It's Quite Disturbing...

How it only takes 16.2 seconds for Brutus to go from

This....

To This...

To This...

This...

And Finally (Oh My!)

This....

"It's Hard To Be a Bulldog"

Sleep sweet boy...
You work so very hard around here....
NOT!

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Hollywood Squares (re-take)

When I was a girl going to Grant Elementary School, in Cuyahoga Falls Ohio.
The lunch lady would make these wonderful treats and sell them for .25 cents each.
Hollywood Squares are way better than any peanut butter cup!
Every kid in school saved their pennies to buy a Hollywood Square!!
Heck! I even used to volunteer to help in the lunch line because they paid in Hollywood Squares!

When the school closed down she decided to make her "secret recipe" public.
Thank Goodness she did!!
These are yummy!!
Super -easy!
And a GREAT way to get your kids cooking in the kitchen with you!

Hollywood Squares

Ingredients:

2 cups peanut butter

2-1/2 cups powdered sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

1/2 cup graham cracker crumbs

1/2 cup butter, melted

Topping:

2 squares semi-sweet baking chocolate

1 tbsp. peanut butter

Directions:

Combine all ingredients except topping ingredients.
Mix well and press into a buttered 9-inch pan.
Melt the topping ingredients together (the microwave works well for this) and spread over the top of the peanut butter mixture.
Chill until topping is firm.
Cut into squares.

Enjoy!!

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"What Have You Done All Day?"

This is the question I dread.
This is the question that I am asked every day.

The Man-of-My-Dreams is working out of the country again, and even from half way across the world, this is the question he asks me every night.

He means no harm, he genuinely wants to know, but it just drives me bonkers.
Why?
Well... because my standard answer is usually, "nothin".
Even though there really is no day where a mother of 5 does "nothin".
I usually have nothing of importance to report either.

I usually plop my weary head onto my pillow each night and wonder the same thing.
What did I actually "DO" today?

I didn't get dressed and go to "work".
I didn't save anyone's life.
I didn't change anyone's life.
I didn't do anything important in the grand scheme of things.

If I was brutally honest my answer, even to myself, is still a resounding "nothin".

Take today, for instance...

• made coffee
• chatted with the Man-of-My-Dreams online for a bit
  
• got kids up
• made breakfast
• got them busy on their chores
• ran to the gas station to fill gas cans
  
• aired up the lawnmower tires
• jumped the lawnmower battery to get it to start
  
• mowed the lawn
• sprayed a giant wasp nest w/ bee killer
  
• took a shower
• cleaned the bathroom
  
• made an emergency trip to the vet with a bleeding bulldog.
• hit Sonic for Happy-Hour and a Rt. 44 Diet Cherry Coke
  
• made lunch
• cleaned off the coffee table
• found the missing blue bank bag full of crayons
  
• made some phone calls
• praised the Little-Foreman-in-Pink on her stellar artwork
  
• tweeted
• put up the laundry
• removed a giant hair ball from the bathtub drain
• scraped dog poop off of the porch
• tried to keep myself and the kids cool when the power went out while it was 102 degrees outside.
• tried to teach my son how to use a neti-pot
• reminded the boys to take out the trash
• helped the Little-Foreman-in-Pink clean her bedroom
• chased a rooster around the yard to remove a string from around his leg
  
• folded laundry
• helped 11yr old set up a new I-Tunes account.
• paid some bills
• dug a crayon out of Guss the Pug's mouth 4 times
• Gave Brutus the Bulldog his medicated bath that the vet sent home with us
• cleaned the living room
• edited some pictures
• searched for a lost flip-flop (found it!)
  
• gave sick son cold medicine
  
• swept maggots off of the porch (shudder) from the nasty trash can
• helped the little boys get the nasty trash cans out to the curb
• un-clogged the sink drain
• emptied, rinsed out and re-filled the dog's swimming pools
• took headache medicine
• rubbed sunburn ointment on a little back
  
• remembered that I forgot to get something out of the freezer for dinner
• sent the Little-Foreman-in-Pink next door for a play-date
  
• defrosted 4lbs hamburger
• made spaghetti sauce
• dropped 11yr old off at his Baseball practice
• wrote this blog post

To tell you the truth...
Mowing the lawn made this a pretty productive day!

But usually, there isn't anything like that that I can point at and say.. I did "THAT" today!

I feel like I have been running full-speed all day, but I look around and see that there is nothing (except for the lawn) that is actually done, or accomplished.

So... when asked tonight that dreaded question....
What Did You Do Today?
My answer will probably be "Nothing, except mow the lawn".

What did YOU do today?
Do you feel like you accomplished anything?
Or do you, like me, feel like you are running yourself ragged while just chasing your tail?

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please Please PLEASE explain this to me...

Why for the love of all that is Pretty, Fluffy, and Good in this World do they feel the need to tap me???

When I'm on the phone....
tap, tap, tap...

When I'm talking to someone...
Tap, Tap, Tap...

When I'm at the store check-out...
TAP, TAP, TAP...

Do they think I don't know they are standing there trying to get my attention?

Do they really think there is a chance I have forgotten they need a cookie, or a drink, or a crayon, Right This Very Second????

Will the World stop spinning and explode if they have to stand there quietly for one stinking second to wait for me to finish my thought????

If I'm busy, do they REALLY think tapping on my arm or leg, or stomach is gonna help me finish quicker???

WHY Must They Tap Me??????

that is all....

Thank-You-Very-Much.

(this post was sponsored by the "Please Stops Tapping Mommy Before Her Eye Explodes!" Society. )

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One of the BEST Salads in the World, EVER!

It's summer!!
We can't forget this one!

I love a good salad!
Whenever I get a chance to visit my mother and sister in Houston, we go to a great salad bar restaurant called Sweet Tomato.

They have everything you could ever dream of putting on a salad!
But they also have some prepared salads.
This one is my favorite of all time!
Even the kids love it!
There is the crunch of the broccoli, combined with sweetness from the dressing and plump raisins....
Combined with cashews and some crumbled bacon.

I do not usually enjoy raw broccoli, but I can eat this salad by the feedbag full!

Dana's Best Broccoli Salad In The World EVER!
(inspired by Sweet Tomato)

Salad

• 3-4 heads worth of broccoli florets , cut into bite-sized pieces
• 1 medium red onion, diced finely
• 3/4 cup salted cashew halves, broken
• 3/4 cup raisins
• 6 slices bacon, crisp-cooked & crumbled
  

Dressing

• 1 cup mayonnaise (or 1/2 cup mayo & 1/2 cup plain yogurt)
• 5 Tablespoons vinegar (I like salad vinegar)
• 3 Tablespoons sugar
• Dash of freshly ground black pepper
  

Directions -

1. Combine all the salad ingredients together in a large bowl.
2. In a small bowl, whisk together the dressing ingredients.
3. Pour dressing over salad, mix to coat.
4. Refrigerate for a few hours to develop flavors. It's best when made the day before!
5. Enjoy!!
   

**TIP** Kimmie emailed a wonderful suggestion for those unable to eat nuts.
Substitute water chestnuts for the cashews! YUMMM!
Thanks, Kimmie!!

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Five things....

That I need to get done today...

1. I HAVE to mow the grass today... Or I'll need to bail it next week. Why doesn't the grass in the pastures grow as fast as the grass in the yard?? huh? Why??
   
   
2. Tackle Mt. Laundry... This task would be easier if the part for my washing machine would ever arrive! Until it does, I'll be at the super-duper fun laundromat.
   
   
3. Clean the kitchen... Ugh! I guess you know it is time to clean the kitchen when you realize there are NO clean cups in the house!
   
   
4. Bathe Brutus... He is a super-stinky Bulldog.
   
   
5. Weed the garden... I was so proud of my tomato plants.... Now I can't find them through the weeds.
   
   

Things I'll actually get DONE today...

1. Write this post on my blog.
   
   
2. Freak out because there is no clean cup for my much-needed cup of coffee.
   
   
3. Yell at the boys for wearing the same dirty outfit for three days in a row.
   
   
4. Freak out because I lost Brutus in the tall grass in the front yard.
   
   
5. Take a nap because I'm so stressed from freaking out all day.
   
   

I ROCK!

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My Favorite Summer Salad.

Several years ago, my spoiled rotten little sister attended college in Arkansas.
My mother and I went to visit her.
While we were there, we stopped at a restaurant called "The Market Place", I ordered what may possibly be the BEST salad I have ever eaten!

It had chicken breast, fresh strawberries, roasted pecans, water chestnuts, & spinach.
The dressing was a blueberry dressing.
It was wonderful!

I loved this salad so much that I made my poor mother smuggle an ice chest full of salad home on the plane each time she would visit my sister.

I have tried and tried to replicate this salad.
I managed to make some pretty darn tasty salads, but they were not quite right.
UNTIL NOW!
As a matter of fact...
I think mine is better!

Dana's "Taste of Summer" Salad

• Chicken breast, or breast tenderloin, grilled.
  
• 1 lb spinach (I like baby spinach)
• 1 pint strawberries, sliced
• 1 small can mandarin orange sections. (drained)
  
• 1/2 cup pecans or cashews, toasted
• 1 can water chestnuts, sliced (optional)
• Blue Cheese or Feta cheese, for sprinkling
  

Dressing

• 1/3 cup raspberry vinegar (or balsamic vinegar)
• 1/3-1/2 cup sugar or sugar substitute
• 1 teaspoon dry mustard
  
• 1/4-1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup blueberries (Frozen work great!)
  

Directions

1. Grill your chicken breasts or tenderloins, set aside to cool slightly.
   
2. Toast nuts in a pan over low heat, set aside to cool.
   
3. Combine all the dressing ingredients EXCEPT blueberries, in a blender and blend well.
4. Add thawed or fresh blueberries to the dressing and pulse to combine. set aside.
5. Arrange salad ingredients on plates, drizzle with dressing and serve immediately.
6. ENJOY!
   

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Friday Morning Haiku

June Bugs Everywhere
June Bugs Fly into My Hair
Did You Hear Me Scream?

I know.... I know....
I'm so Goofy, Dorky, Strange, Talented that I almost can't stand it myself.

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An Open Letter To The Man-of-My-Dreams.

Baby,

I'm sitting here at my desk kind-of teary-eyed because the 2nd of our two sons just moved out for the summer to work away from the farm. The Little-Foreman-in-Pink just informed me that she wanted to call 911 because her 11 yr old brother just hurt her feelings. And Otis the Killer Boston Terrier just puked in on the kitchen floor (but I'm pretending I didn't hear it in hopes someone else will stumble upon it first and clean it up).

As I look across the room and see you sitting in your chair looking at your laptop, all serious and sexy like, with your "Hubba-Hubba" glasses on and your freshly shaven head that longs to be touched. I can't help but be struck at how far we've come and how lucky I am.

When we met so many years ago playing a game online, I was lost. I didn't think there was a chance I could ever feel so loved... so cherished... so complete. I just figured I was one of those women who would go through her whole life without knowing what true, total, and complete love felt like. Boy did you prove me wrong!

We have become the family I could only dream about. Our kids are happy, and they are usually really good kids. We live in a house that's too small.... too full.... too old... and too broken, and I love it! I am so happy here on our very own little piece of Earth, no matter how loud & noisy & crowded it can sometimes be.

You have given me my farm.
You have given me my daughter!
You have given me everything I could ever ask for! (except for another donkey.. I'd really like another donkey ya know!)

I don't think I have told you enough how grateful I am for everything you have done for me. How proud I am to call you my husband, How thankful I am that you are the father, step or otherwise, to my children.

Who would have thought, that playing a game of backgammon online would have changed my life so completely.


I love you....
xx

This post was brought to you today by the "I'm Feeling Mushy and Sentimental (and might be a little hormonal) Because My Man is Fixing to Leave the Country Association.

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More reasons...

That I'm gonna have trouble giving this litter of kittens away....

They are just so darn cute!




Anybody want a kitten?
Please! Come take them NOW!!
Or... I'm afraid they will never leave.

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Pros & Cons

Of having a bunch of Barn Kittens being raised on your back porch.


Cons

1. You have to worry about stepping on them as you come off that last step.
2. Fleas
3. Dirt
4. tiny kitty poop on your shoes.
5. tiny kitten scratches on your feet from sneak attacks.
6. They turn into cats.

Pros

1. They are cute.
2. They kill June Bugs.
3. They are cute.
4. They are cuddly.
5. They are cute.
6. You never, ever run out of things to take pictures of.
   
   

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A Big Step.

Remember this post?
Well.. the saga continues….

My Son “C” is growing into such a fine young man.
I am so proud to be able to call this amazing creature my son.
He is a senior in High School.
He works at the University of Texas each summer.
He is loyal and fiercely protective of those he loves.
He is kind-hearted, gentle, goofy, and, at 6’ 4” he’s HUGE!
He will be 18yrs old in 8 days…

While he is a well-adjusted young man, he still is searching…
He is searching for who he is…
He is searching for where he came from…
He is searching for his roots…
He is searching for his family.

After 16 years of nothing, he finally had some contact with his biological father.
They exchanged a few e-mails and several text messages.
C was thrilled!
He has so many questions and longs for some connection, no matter how small, to that side of his family.
He was ecstatic when he even found one of his aunts on a social networking site.

He introduced himself, and they chatted for a bit.
She was gracious and kind to him.
She was shocked to find out she had a nephew that she didn’t even know existed.
C was on cloud 9 knowing that he was making connection with the other side of his family and he really looked forward to their little chats.
She was surprised when she saw his pictures and she saw for herself the strong family resemblance C had to his father.
Understandably, she needed to talk to her brother, she now had questions too.
She was worried about her other nephew, C’s half-brother, who also has no idea he has an older brother.

Fred, was less than impressed that C tracked down his little sister.
He was down-right angry about it.
Apparently, this was not a secret that he wanted revealed.
He scolded C for contacting her.

Then all conversations stopped.
I can only assume that when asked, Fred denied that C was his son.
It is understandable that a sister would believe her brother over some strange kid who contacted her out of the blue.
So C found himself back at square one.

When Fred and I ended our relationship many many years ago, I know that he fabricated many stories about me to explain the break-up….
I was unfaithful,
I was “with” several of his friends,
I could not be trusted, etc… etc… etc…

None of these stories were even remotely true, but I guess it was his way to explain things to his family in a way that they would never ask about me again and believe him when he said that the growing life inside me was not his.
It was his way to hide his secret…
The secret that he was going to be a father…
His secret son…

I’m sure he thought he could go on with his life and. If he ignored it, it would go away…
The only thing I ever asked.. no, I demanded, was that he never hurt C.

The last words typed between C and Fred was Him telling C to "leave Me Alone" Because he didn't want any "trouble".

In the past 19 years Fred has never denied or even questioned his paternity to myself or to C.
He even sent C a letter apologizing for “16 years of nothing”.
But, it seems it’s a different story to everyone else in his life.

C is hurt.
No… he is devastated knowing that he was so close to having some answers, some connection to his roots, his family, and now they are gone.

This is where I step in.
This is where I fix something that should have been fixed many many years ago.
This is where Mamma Bear protects the tender heart of her young.
This is when I give C proof to show his new-found family that he is one of them.

I have set things in motion to end any questions.
To clear up any doubt that C is indeed Fred’s son.
I have no doubt.
C has no doubt.
And Fred, in a corner of his heart that he chose to keep secret has no doubt.
Now the rest of his family will have no doubt either.

The following weeks and months will be spent in court, in paternity testing offices, and, I’m sure there will be some extremely angry words spoken.
Fred will no longer be able to run from his secrets and untruths.
I’m sure it will be unpleasant for him.
He will have some difficult questions to answer to many people in his life.

But, in the end, C will get what he deserves.

You see… in my opinion, this has very little to do with Fred.
Fred had his chance and he tossed it away like a crumpled up piece of garbage.
Fred doesn’t deserve to know C.
Fred doesn’t deserve to have any part in this amazing young man’s life.
Fred did not earn his love, his respect or the title of Parent.
Fred has never helped with C.
Fred has, by choice, ignored his very existence.
Fred does NOT deserve C.

But…

C deserves answers.
C deserves to know where he comes from.
C deserves to be a part of his entire family.
C deserves the world…

And I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get my son what he deserves.

The most important thing is to establish paternity legally, so C has something to prove who he is and hopefully be accepted into his extended family.

You can only run from the truth for so long, before it comes back to bite you in the butt.
In the end…. It will be worth it all to see my son get what he rightly deserves.
And to see him have the sense of satisfaction, knowing that he is not a dirty little secret.

I hope and pray that he is welcomed with kindness and understanding into his new family.
It is the least that he deserves…

All I can say is, hang on…
It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

UPDATE HERE 8/27/2010

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