Why I look like this!

You know...
I used to consider myself a pretty cute gal.
I used to at least LOOK like I had it together.

My hair was "done"..
I used to wear neatly-applied make-up.
My shirts were stain-free.
I had no wrinkles between my eyebrows. (that were neatly plucked by the way!).
I used to speak in complete sentences.
I used to leave my house.
My shoes matched.
My socks matched.

But that was before I had children.
More exactly, that was before I had TEENAGERS!

Now I look like this picture.
I have a perma-look of bewilderment and shock on my face.
I have those deep mean-looking, I'm-gonna-kill-you-wrinkles between my eyebrows.
My hair resembles Medusa more than a fashion model.
I'm wearing stretched-out yoga pants and a baggy T-shirt, Crocks on my feet, and NO jewelry.
My poor saggin-from-birthin-all-them-babies-body is slower and fatter.
My once sharp-as-a-tack mind now spends it's days wondering how in the heck I got here.

It's not time that changed me.
It's not old age settling in.
It's the Teenagers!
The teststerone-filled-snarky-farting, knowing-more-than-me-because-I-am-a-stupid-idiot, teenagers!

The teenagers who do things like THIS.
The teenagers who are convinced that I suddenly am dumber than dirt.
The teenagers who's heads are firmly planted up their girlfriends backside.
The teenagers who eat too much, drive too fast, and fart too smelly.
The teenagers who are taller than me.
The teenagers who think they can use their size as an advantage.
The teenagers who play ,what they call, music too loud.

Can I sue them?
Can I force them to fund my plastic surgery?
Can I at least make them liable for the years and years of therapy that I will most certainly need soon?

Is there a lawyer in the house?
Call me!

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The Simple Things (Gone Fishin')

In the day and age of Computers, Cell Phones, DVD's, and Fast-Food Drive-thru's, I love it when we get to slow things down and enjoy the simple things.

Today our simple pleasure was heading out to the back pasture for a little fishing.

We always have fun fishing.
It's slow, simple, fun.

Sometimes we are lucky and the fish are biting. (like today)

Sometimes "other things" are biting too!

The smiles and pride each time a fish is reeled in are priceless.

Even when nothing bites your line, you have a blast.

You can always go explore things on dry land instead.


Fishing! It's one of my favorite Simple Pleasures.

What are some of YOUR favorite Simple Pleasures?

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Time to Get Off!!

As you can tell, I haven't been posting as regularly as I used to.
I have had some things going on that I wasnt really ready to put "out there" yet.
I have been struggling with something for years and finally made a decision that will affect the rest of my life.

Now that this decision has been made, and I am on my way to making permanent changes, I am so relieved and happy.

And it's time I let everyone know.
It is NO longer gonna be my dirty little secret.

You can read about it here.

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Chewy Chocolate Cookies with Peanut Butter Chips

Chocolate and Peanut Butter.
Peanut Butter and Chocolate.
A perfect combination.
These cookies are super easy, and super yummy!


I've had this recipe forever, I'm not sure where it came from.
It is one of our favorites...
Now it can be yours too!

Enjoy!

Chewy Chocolate Cookies with Peanut Butter Chips.

makes about 54 cookies

• 1 1/4 cups butter or margarine, softened
• 2 cups sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup un-sweetened cocoa powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups peanut butter chips
  or semi-sweet chocolate chips (12 oz. pkg.)

1. Heat oven to 350°.
2. In large mixer bowl; cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
3. Add eggs and vanilla; beat well.
4. Combine flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt; gradually blend into creamed mixture. Stir in peanut butter or chocolate chips.
5. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 8-9 minutes. (Do not overbake; cookies will be soft. They will puff while baking and flatten while cooling.).
6. Cool slightly; remove from cookie sheet. Cool completely.
7. Enjoy!
   

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I could have smoked CRACK when I was pregnant!

But...
... I didn't.

Why??
Because I was worried I would scramble their precious little brains.

I didn't wanna scramble their brains.
I wanted their brains to have the best possible chance at being "normal".

And yet....
They are not.

The amount of DUMB that a teenage boys body can hold astounds me.
Every stinkin day they give me more reasons to shake my head in disbelief because of something they do, or something they say, or something they try.
It NEVER ends!

Today is a perfect example....

Scrambled son #3 walks into the house and calmly asks...
"Mom, is that table against the back of the house supposed to be on fire?"

me - "WHAT!?!?!?"

him- "The table against the back wall of the house.. it has BIG fire on it."

Me- running hysterically to put out the HUGE fire reaching above the roof of the house.

Scrambled son #1 casually walks out of the house, see's his hose wielding mother frantically putting out the fire and screaming at everyone asking what in the @$(*% happened to start a fire on the table that is ACTUALLY touching they house and says...
"Oops, My Bad. I lit a campfire starter and set it on the table and forgot it."

Ummm MY BAD???
You almost burnt down the house, and all you can say is MY BAD???
MY BAD???

Are You Kidding ME????

my 17 year old son... (sorry, I'm having a hard time even TYPING this, because of the stupidity it involves)... set an incendiary device on a fiberglass table that is sitting against the wall of our wooden house, and walked away!!!

MY BAD???

So, you see, I COULD have smoked crack and gotten the same results!

Parenting Teens.... is NOT for the weak!



p.s. - I am no way no how making light of what they call "crack babies" and/or any baby born with complications due to illegal drug abuse during pregnancy.

p.s.s - It's a rant.... I could have said Opium... or Shrooms.... or Acid..... insert any non-upsetting to you illegal drug you'd like.

p.s.s.s. - these p.s's are an attempt to save the fingers of those who will send hate mail. ThankYouVeryMuch.

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They Don't Make Em Like They Used To. WHY NOT??!!?

I live in a messy world.
I live on a messy farm, with messy animals.
I have 6 messy kids.
Lots of mess.
All of the time!

My laundry always contains things that look like this...

My 6 messy kids help with a lot of the messy work on our messy farm.
They are a big help!

But we also depend on some appliances to help us try to keep the mess semi-controlled.

Life would cease to exist as we know it without our washing machine. (see above pic)

The dishwasher is a life-saver for us.
I cook....
I cook A LOT.
I feed A LOT of people.
Thus, I create a DOUBLE-LOT of messy dishes.
The dishwasher makes it possible for us to have a few moments without someone attached to the sink and sudsy water.

And the vacuum cleaner?
Well, lets just say, I would forget the true color of my carpets in a matter of days without it.

This leads me to today's sob story/rant.

My dishwasher and my vacuum cleaner are BOTH....
DEAD!!!

Yep.... I managed to catch the worlds worst flu this week and while I was writhing in pain and hallucinating about giant lemons in my kitchen, BOTH of these much needed appliances decided to kick the bucket.

Remember our grandmothers vacuums? The canister ones that they would drag around the house with their hose?
They lasted FOREVER.

And my "Super-Great" "Super-Expensive" vacuums last less than a year?? WHY?
I have managed to kill 5 vacuums in as many years, each one supposedly "better" and definitely more expensive than the last!

And the dishwasher? well, it did manage to live for 4 years. (we had to Jimmie the knob just right after the first year so it would fill with water and not smoke us out of the house!)
But it was a MAJOR purchase. That means MAJOR Moolah.
I think a girl should get more than 4 years out of anything that costs THAT much!

Yes.... due to our lifestyle and our amount of messes, our cleaning appliances probably do get worked harder than the norm, but is it asking too much to expect something... ANYTHING to work like it is advertised for longer than a year???

Whats a girl to do?
EXCEPT wallow in her own filth?


Cause, even though I live on a messy farm...
With LOTS of messy kids,
And even more messy animals,
I'm just like you...

Except for the chicks I'm hatching in my cleavage.

Love,
Dana (the appliance-poor, overrun with dust-bunnies & dirty dishes, chick hatching in her bra, crying in her beer, housewife)

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Irrational Fears.... Part 2.

When I sit down to write a blog post, I write like I'm talking to my friends.
Because, thats what you are. Even though we've never really met.
I have told you things that I haven't told some of my closest "real-life" friends.

You are my Buddies,
My Homies,
My Peeps,
My Compadres,
My Pals,
My Amigos,
My Chums,
My Comrades,
Well... You get the point.

I've told you about some of my irrational fears in the past.
Like THIS POST about my very REAL fear of being killed by a deer and the moths that are really out to get me.

And THIS POST about ceiling fan that is just waiting for the perfect moment to cut off my feet.


Well, now I have another one...
Last week, I wrote THIS POST telling you about the mouse who has moved into my bathroom.

I found a dead mouse under my dresser, so I thought I had killed the little bugger.
Until the Man-of-My-Dreams saw another one run across the bathroom floor tonight!
grrrr!

Yes, having a mouse in your house is icky.
It's a little embarassing.
They are dirty.
They are smart.
But...
I have another BIGGER fear about the little nasty furry rodent in my bathroom.

I don't worry about it running at me.
I don't worry it'll bite me and give me mouse flu.

I cannot go into the bathroom without turning one the light and making a lot of noise before I cross the threshold because I'm worried I'll step on him.
Not just because it's an icky thought...

But, if I step on him, I just KNOW I'll break every little bone in his tiny body and one of the sharp, jagged, now broken ribs will puncture the bottom of my foot.
I'll be impaled by a schmooshed mouse!

OUCH! That'll hurt!
And....
How would I get him out of my foot??
Pliers?
(he'll be broken you know.... wouldn't peel off and out of my foot in one piece.
((shudder))
the thought is just too horrific to even write about!!

please tell me I'm not the only one with these stupid irrational fears...
What are some of yours?

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Up-Side Down Lemon Meringue Pie (Lemon Clouds)

Oh Dear.....
Here we go...
I'm gonna try to tell you about this recipe without drooling on my keyboard, drool just isn't good for electronics.


Wanna make something different than you've ever made before?
Wanna eat something lemony?
Wanna make something impressive?
Wanna eat something that is so rich it'll curl your toes?

A delightfully rich and Lemon filling nestled inside a melt-in-your-mouth crisp meringue shell.


Up-Side Down Lemon Meringue Pie (Lemon Clouds)
serves 8

Ingredients

Meringue Crust/Shell
4 egg whites (room temperature)
1 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

Lemon Filling
5 egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
4 Tablespoons lemon juice
zest of 1 lemon
1 cup heavy whipping cream

Directions

meringue shell

1. Beat 4 eggs whites.
2. add cream of tartar. continue beating.
3. gradually add sugar 2 tablespoons at a time until 1 cup has been added.
4. Continue beating until you have fluffy stiff peaks.
5. Spread meringue into the bottom and up the sides of a 9 inch GREASED pie pan. (or use a greased cookie sheet and make individual sized "clouds" smoothing them bowl shape)
6. Bake at 275 degrees f for 1 hour. allow to cool in the oven with the door slightly ajar.

Lemon filling

1. whip 5 egg yolks with a fork or whisk until well combined.
2. stir in 1/2 cup sugar and 4 Tablespoons lemon juice.
3. pour into a small sauce pan, cool over low heat, stirring constantly until thickened (your looking for a nice kinda thick pancake consistency)
4. cool completely.
5. once your custard is cool.... Whip one cup heavy cream until stiff peaks form.
6. fold the cooled custard mixture and lemon zest into the whipped cream.
7. Pour into meringue shell/clouds
   
8. chill thoroughly, garnish with whipped cream dollops and lemon zest.
9. Enjoy!!
   

This is a VERY rich dessert....
Small slices and/or clouds are the way to go.

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Here We Go Again....

This is Worker #2.
He is the strong silent one.
He is the athlete.
He is the brooder.
He is the fighter.
His life-long goal is to join the military.

He tries his best to dress monochromatic.
And his one color of choice??
GREEN!!
He has green shoes, green pants, green shirts, green hats, green Green GREEN!

He is the daredevil.
If it has a motor, he'll make it go faster.
If it has wheels, he will try to make them leave the ground.
If it's throw-able, he'll launch it further.
If it's heavy, he'll carry it twice as far.
If you tell him he can't do it... He'll do it three times!

He is bull-headed (just like his dad).
He is a tough-guy.

Those are the things you notice first about him.

But....

Just under the surface....

He is tender-hearted.
He is an amazing big brother.
He is a fierce defender of those he loves.
He is a goof-ball.

He will gently comfort an ill baby kitten,
Then hit you so hard on the football field that your Momma feels it!

I didn't give birth to this son of mine.
But believe me when I tell ya, the labor was just as memorable, and just as worth it!
He drives me crazy.
He can make my blood boil.
He makes me proud.
Today he makes me shed a tear,
because he's getting so close to being grown and gone.

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Why??

I was out walking around the property this morning, hoping to snap some pictures of cute little birds or pretty wildflowers.

As I came to the front of our property, I was prepared to find some undesirable things.
You see, we live at the very end of the road where no one else lives.
Because it's relatively hidden, people often come and leave "stuff"

• Beer bottles left by teens who snuck it out of their parents fridge and secretly drank in their truck late at night.
  

• Cigarette butts left by someone who sat at in their car talking on their phone.
  

• Candy wrappers left by children waiting for the bus.
  

• Unwanted Kittens, puppies, dogs... lots of discarded pets.
  

Today I found this....

Yep.. someone actually drove all the way down out long road to dump a complete 7 and a half foot tall Christmas Tree.
In SEPTEMBER!

WHY??

• Did they suddenly become atheists and no longer wish to celebrate the birth of Christ?
• Did Santa forget to bring them that pony last year?
• Are they planning on "going green" this year and using a real tree?
• Did they decide the multi-colored lights didn't match their decor?
• Was it too short?
• Was it too tall?

I don't get it!
But it really Makes me mad!

Anybody wanta Christmas Tree?

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Stuff I love.

Doesn't this woman look cozy?
No, this is NOT me.
But I wish it was!
Look at her robe!

I have a weakness for robes.
Soft, Schmooshy, Warm robes.
I love em!

You know when you go to a really nice hotel or spa?
They have those really plush and soft chenille robes.
(well... I've been told they do! and the movies show em!)
None of my robes are like that... yet!

Here on the farm, there isn't much soft and schmooshy to be found, unless your talking about a baby bunny.

I found a site that has the most beautiful and luxurious robes I've ever seen!
Kinnaird Ireland

Winter is coming....
I'm a girl....
I would like to be covered in something "special" that does NOT include chicken poop!
I want one of these robes!....

To Be Continued...

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Call the S.P.C.A. Cause I am THAT bad of a dog owner.

This is Guss.
The Pug puppy with an un-healthy obsession with dirty panties.
The Pug puppy who refuses to grasp the concept of going potty outside.
The Pug puppy who has learned to dig under the fence and head for the hills and run from us for an hour while we try to coax him back into his yard.
The super-cuddly, super-loving, super-ditsy Pug puppy.
Isn't he cute?

One of his amusing traits is his constant look of worry.
The poor thing looks like he needs a good dose of anti-anxiety medication!
I always wondered why he seems so full of worry.

Today I understand why.

In an attempt to keep him in his yard I bought him a shock collar.
Yes, I know it seems mean..... But not nearly as mean as letting him run away and get hit by a car!
I bought the shock collar that also has a vibrate function in the remote control, so I don't have to shock him every time me tries to dig under the fence, I can just buzz him.

The collar was working great!
I only had to shock him 2 times before he learned that digging = unpleasant feeling.
And the shock wasn't really painful for him... he didn't yipe, he just jumped and stopped digging. perfect!
I was pleased.

Tonight, Guss was in his crate sleeping for the night like a good little Pug.
I was watching the Pilot for the new TV show Glee... (it's WONDERFUL by the way!)
I got a little too "into" one of the wonderful '80's songs the kids on the show were singing and kinda busted-a-move in my chair.

Well... when I did, I kinda sorta shifted and sat on the shock collar's remote control.
A few second later, one of the boys came running out of the room where Guss was in his crate yelling...
"Mom!! Somethings wrong with Guss!!! He's trying to get out of his crate!!"

...Um... Yeah... I was shocking the poor sleeping, minding his own business, puppy!!

Thank goodness I bought the really really weak collar!!
He's sleeping in my bed tonight.

It's the least I can do.....
.... Before I go to hell.

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This.... Is..... WAR!

I have a deep dark secret.
It's a kind-of embarrassing problem, really.

I have been fighting an intruder in my home.
He is sly.
He is smart.
He is lighting fast.

He is a ....

Mouse!

He lives in my bathroom.
I would like to know why he is in my bathroom!?!?
There is NO food in there!
Why is he in my bathroom??
Huh?
WHY!?

When I lived up north, "clean" people didn't have mice or roaches. (don't even get me started on the flying HUGE Texas roaches that EVERYONE gets here!! And... These??? ((shudder!!))
If you had mice in your house, you were mortified! or living in filth.

I went to the store and asked about Mice-getting-rid-of-tools and the salesman was all... "Oh ya got house mice huh? Everyone gets house mice.... deal with it."
Um.... DEAL WITH IT???
Are they kidding me???
Deal With It???
I think not!

Anyway....
At this moment, the mouse is winning the war!
I have tried traps, baits, peanut butter, cheese, crackers, nuts, sticky pads,... everything!

The little stinker is thriving and having a grand old time, living it up in MY bathroom!!

He isn't scared by the big-n-bad Man-of-My-Dreams either!
He scoffs and runs across his foot in the middle of the night.

And I swear I saw him blow a furry little raspberry at me right before he streaked down the cord to my hair dryer last night.

My barn cats would take care of him, but they live outside....
And, of course, worker #1 will do his famous and very convincing Blow-fish impression if I let them in the house so that's out of the question.
Darn Kids!
They ruin everything!

I need your help....
What else can I do to get rid of my new house-guest?
He has totally out-stayed his welcome!

What have you done to get them Gone??
Oh...
and Don't worry...
it'll be our little secret....
No one will know you... had... mice.

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Hasselback Potatoes

Aren't these impressive looking potatoes?
Crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, perfection.
They are called Hasselback Potatoes,

Hasselback Potatoes are super easy to make.

And, I'm gonna show you how!

Full recipe and lots more pictures can be found HERE

ENJOY!!

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